Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Crippling my will

At the rate I'm slipping, I can assume I'll either be dead or hospitalized by the end of the week. With any luck I'll be able sustain myself for one more week, but that will be pushing it. I'm in such a bad place and I can't figure out how or why I got here. All I know is that it is crippling my will to live.

I ended up in the ER today with a fairly serious cut to my hand. I don't typically injure myself in such an obvious place, but I managed to convince everyone that I'd simply been chopping veggies for the bunny and got my hand in the wrong place. It was 100% deliberate though. I knew what I was doing because I sawed into my own skin til the cut was nice and deep and the blood was steadily flowing. Never felt a thing. I could have chopped my whole hand off and wouldn't have felt anything.

Even now I'm tempted to grab a razor blade and start cutting. Not as seriously, but I feel as if though I need to bleed the demon out. It's a parasite living off my blood supply. If I should bleed myself dry, then I can kill it. I've found my answer. Holy shit, it was there all this time and I only just realized it.

5 Comments:

Blogger borderline savvy said...

((((((((((((Sid)))))))))))))
Don't bleed yourself dry, honey. I know the feeling very well, but it is an altered state of mind. You need to check yourself into the hospital, my friend. You are really sick now. And I don't mean the ER to sew up the cuts. You need therapeutic help.

Please, please take care of yourself by getting help! Do it for Drew's sake if for nobody else's. I'm very concerned about you.

Be good to yourself, Sid.
Big hugs,
Suzanne

12:35 AM, September 29, 2005  
Blogger Geisha_Girl said...

Wow, things must be really bad for you right now.

As a borderline who does't self injure, it's quite shocking to read the way you feel and cope with your feelings.

But I do understand the emotional pressure.

The way I cope when I feel hit a wall is to take whatever puts me to sleep and to sleep it off for as long as it takes until the ugly emotions pass.

Don't know that this is much help to you, as my guess is you would hybernate like I do if you could.

Take care of yourself and do whatever you need to do to get through this low.

Jane

4:25 PM, September 29, 2005  
Blogger Shannin said...

sid, i am hoping you still have my number, and that you will use it. i do what jane does....take whatever i need to so i can pass out and hide for awhile. maybe you should just sleep and hide from yourself. you have tons of us out here hoping you make it through this dark, dark place.
take care of you.

5:33 PM, September 29, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I'd double my meds too. That's what I do when I get to feeling like this.

Hang in there.

6:24 PM, September 30, 2005  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

sid hon...my heart goes out to you because i have a friend who also suffers from borderline disorder and she constantly struggles within but thankfully she doesnt cut....she, like jane and shannin said, takes her meds that will help her sleep and hides out for awhile. i'm not suggesting you overtake what meds you have, but if you have something to help you sleep, by all means take it and try to find a calm place within yourself. my friend and i talk practically every day and i feel so helpless when she is going thru that phase, and i feel helpless because i wish there was something i could do to help you, her and others who suffer from this debilitating illness.

i know youre not religious, for the most part i'm not either, but i will send up some extra prayers for you, Suzanne, Val (my friend) and others who are going thru such a rough time.

please take care of yourself hon, because there is only one YOU

Hugs
((((((((((((((Sid)))))))))))))))

genelle (miz e)

9:25 PM, September 30, 2005  

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