Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The right dose

Discovered the right dosage and mix of meds to put me into a coma for most of the day. It was purely by accident and I don't mean a true coma, just an unconscious sleep. I don't feel rested yet. I can still feel the meds swirling thru my system tho not as strongly as they were earlier when I passed out cold.

I was on edge earlier about finally getting the info I need to call the lawyer and was having an anxiety attack about making that call. Before I could make it though, I got a nasty call from what I can only assume is a collection agency trying to collect the $6500 they say I owe on my old Mastercard. I'd just talked to this fuck the night before so I don't know why he called again. He said he was confirming that I was refusing to pay my bill. I told him I wasn't refusing, I just didn't have the income to pay it right now. He started going off on me about how I declined the insurance, yada, yada, yada. I could feel my rage and panic rising so when he wouldn't shut up, I simply tried to say to him that I don't have the money to pay. If they want to consider that refusal to pay then so be it. He still wasn't shutting up, so I was basically talking over him. I told him to proceed with whatever action they needed to take next, told him to have a nice day and hung up on him.

After I got off the phone I was shaking so badly that I decided to take some Valium to calm me down. Unfortunately it kicked in just as I got to my pdoc's waiting room. He noticed right away and asked. Said I looked like I hadn't slept in 2 days or I was high on something. I told him they were both accurate. He wasn't too thrilled about the Valium and he wanted to know where I was getting it from. I didn't tell him anything other than it was someone else's prescription and that I don't have many pills.

After I got home I was still kind of stoned from the Valium, but also still in the midst of a panic attack, so I took more pills from the stash. Nothing lethal, just enough to knock me out. 6 mgs of Valium, 2 mgs of Ativan and 100 mgs of Seroquel. I remember nothing from 4 pm to 6 pm when I was rudely awaken for dinner. I then fell back asleep after dinner and slept til my daughter woke me up to tuck her in at 11 pm. I'm now ready to pass out again, though I will take another 200 mgs Seroquel to be sure I stay out til morning.

The pdoc suggested some operation to implant something in my neck to stimulate the vagus nerve. Said it helps people with treatment resistant depression about 30% of the time. I told him no, that I wouldn't even consider that. Told him just what I said I would and that was that I only wanted refills on Zoloft and Seroquel. He didn't want me to drive home, but I did anyway. I was high, but not so high that I couldn't function. Besides, it would have been a welcome site to be involved in a car accident.

I made it home with no problems at all. I even went to the store after dinner, which was after I'd taken the rest of the meds, and did just fine.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Be careful with those pills o.k?
These meds are dangerous.Im having horrible problems with my effexor,with severe withdrawl symptoms, having a terrible time getting of it.
Hope you feel better soon, be carful.


6:08 AM, September 28, 2005  

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