Friday, September 23, 2005

Rotten or rotting?

Showered finally. I still feel incredibly dirty. Maybe rotten is a better word, or rotting. My mind is trying to betray me and I'm fighting. It's screaming at me to take all the pills, slit my wrists, strangle myself. It just wants to be put out of its misery. I'm afraid for once. I don't want to die right now, but the voice is so loud it's beginning to drown out my sanity.

I want to take some pills to quiet things down, but I don't trust myself not to take more than I should. It's taking all my strength not to pull out the hidden razor blades and carve myself up like a jack-o-lantern. Gawd help me make it to morning.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope your going to be o.k. Ill pray for you.


11:29 PM, September 23, 2005  
Blogger James said...

I hope you made it through the night sweetie. Update as soon as you can so we know you made it.


3:43 PM, September 24, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hi... i started reading your blog a many months ago... and then i stopped due to lack of internet. i am reading it again to today for the first time since, maybe, last august and i am so happy to see that you are still alive. ....

i don't know what medications you have tried, but i use Lamictal and it seems to help... ask your pdoc for it....

i wish there was another way to help...

stay safe and take care.

6:39 PM, September 25, 2005  
Anonymous Suzanne said...

I hope you are safe, sweetie. I know that overpowering voice. For the sake of your sweet daughter, if it gets this bad again, I hope you will go to the hospital.

My wishes are for a deep peace to fill you -- while you are alive! Take good care of yourself.

Big hugs,

8:26 PM, September 25, 2005  

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