Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Personal theory

Been thinking about this a lot today and if all the mental health "professionals" can theorize, then fuck it so can I. I'm sure I've said this before, but I truly believe that anti-depressants don't work in the way we're all lead to believe. They may change the brain chemistry, but not in a way that's genuinely helpful. All they do is mask the true problems and numb you to the point that you have no feeling. You become ambivalent about suicide which is why you don't act on it.

Here's why I come to this theory. I stopped taking the Nortriptyline 3 days ago. Already I can feel the strength of my emotions washing over me. Returning me to the only semblance of sanity I have to gauge life with even though I will readily admit it is probably grossly skewed to the negative side. The tears are coming far too easily. I'm truly feeling my sadness rather than just saying I'm sad because I know I wasn't feeling happy.

Am I worried that I will slip into an all-consuming suicidal depression? Yes and no. Yes because at the present moment I honestly don't want to take that particular action. And no because at least I'm feeling something, which to me is a far better option than the alternative.

Life is about balance, how do you balance wanting and needing to feel without tipping the scale too far to the negative side? Think that's the key I need to find right now.


Blogger Shannin said...

I agree...I always feel numb to everything on antidepressants...although, there are people who aren't suicidal until they are on these meds....or don't act on the feelings until the meds.....all these meds are going to fuck us in the end, is my whole take on it. I am glad to hear that suicide is not an option for you right now. That is really great to hear.
Take care of you!

10:27 AM, September 15, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home