Monday, August 29, 2005

What to tell the shrink?

I see my shrink tomorrow. Not sure what to tell him about these damn pills I'm swallowing each day. Do I tell him I would rather be suicidal than to feel as doped up as I have the last two weeks as the Nortriptyline has kicked in? It's also made me feel like I'm either going to have a heart attack or a seizure at any minute. I just don't want to tell him that yet another drug has failed, there's nothing left to try. Plus the lethality of this one still seems so comforting that I don't want to be without it.

The ex and I have been getting together regularly for coffee, at least three times a week for the last two weeks. We just sit and talk about anything and everything for a few hours each time. The topic of meds came up last week and he thinks they're making me worse than I was. Of course he's all on the Kevin Trudeau "Natural Cures" bandwagon at the moment and truly believes that the drug industry is not out to help or cure anyone, but is merely keeping us addicted to pills so they can make money for their shareholders. I believe that about the drug companies too. I also believe the FDA is in cahoots with them. But there's still a part that wants to believe that there is a magic pill that will help me feel better. I'm not looking for a magic cure-all, but something that will help me at least feel more human.

On the other end of that, I have been trying to do things differently in terms of distracting and trying to keep busy in hopes of seeing an improvement in my mood. Been doing quite a bit of cleaning, reading books & magazines when I can concentrate and watching movies. Even started a daily journal where I track what I do and eat each day. Maybe by making sure I'm eating healthy and getting some form of exercise daily will help. Supposedly it will, but even when I was getting regular exercise and all that in the past, I was still just as fucking depressed so I'm not so sure it'll have much impact now. But still I'm trying it, kudos for me?

The ex, despite what we've been thru, has been a very good friend lately. He even pointed out that he knows why I'm not getting anywhere in therapy because I don't have the proper tools to do so. He likened it to going to war. You don't send your forces out there without the correct equipment and a plan of attack or they will just get beaten down, which is what's happening to me. He thinks I need to just keep maintaining, keep distracting to get thru each day and then use meditation to help clear my mind so I can formulate a plan to see what area to attack first. He worded it much more coherently than I seem to have here. His description sounded so academic and logical.

It just seemed so strange to have someone "get it". I've tried explaining where I'm at mentally to all these mental health workers but none of them seem to understand. They don't see why I should have any roadblocks on the way to recovery. Maybe because the ex has battled this demon with me and/or because he's bipolar are why he can comprehend what none of the "professionals" can. Who fucking knows.


Post a Comment

<< Home