Saturday, August 27, 2005

Dirty little secrets

Amazing the dirty little secrets that are now coming to the surface since the ex and I have been doing some major talking. Yesterday's little secret still has me stinging from the betrayal. Seems that despite us being separated at the time I landed in the hospital for over a month in 2004, he kept in close contact with my sisters. They were all trying to decide "what to do with me" once I was released from the hospital because they knew I couldn't afford to live where I was.

Shortly before this, my older sister had invited me and my daughter to move in with her in Michigan. Apparently her hubby was against that idea for fear I'd jeopardize the safety of his family. That in itself is disturbing because I'm sure the thought that I would hurt his family in any way probably never came to mind until he found out I was mentally ill and had been locked up in a nuthouse. Guess he doesn't realize his wife is mentally ill and probably a million times more likely to hurt or kill someone in his family than I am. Dude...I SELF HARM, I don't harm others.

Anyway, once that idea got thrown out the window, my brilliant sisters came up with another idea. Let's have her committed involuntarily to a state mental hospital, indefinitely, so we don't have to deal with her anymore. These are the same sisters, along with my brothers, that just four months earlier had come over as an "intervention" of sorts and swearing they'd do whatever they could to support and help me.

The level of betrayal I'm feeling now is immeasurable. I would sacrifice my life to help either of my sisters and here they were all too willing to dump me off on someone else so they didn't have to deal with me. A part of me wants to confront them, but another part just wants to forget they exist. This comes on the heels of learning about my supposed best friend telling my ex that he should run for his life because he's doomed to live a hellish existence if he continues to deal with a borderline.

What's next? Who's going to betray my trust next? Lies, lies, lies...that's all anyone ever seems to tell me. Guess I wasn't so delusional in my thinking that you can't trust ANYONE. Fuck am I pissed off and hating everyone right now!


Blogger borderline savvy said...

I am so sorry your family is treating you like shit, and that your ex was a part of it. I can understand your fury. And your lack of trust in anyone. I think I'd feel the same way.

Just be careful not to take it out on yourself--by self-harming. Right now you need to be kind and gentle with yourself because nobody's being kind and gentle to you.

If it's any consolation, you have a Web family who cares. Not that we can do much other than be there for you and try to encourage you and comfort you in your time of need. You've been there for me, and I am here for you.

BTW, it was a big comfort to me to know that you had 100 pairs of shoes. I nearly cried because I felt so understood.

So hang in there, Sweetie. Fuck them anyway. I heard of a guy this evening whose family has absolutely no contact with him at all because he is bipolar and they don't want to be contaminated. Just don't let your family or your ex push you around.

Take good care of yourself, Sid.


1:07 AM, August 28, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Sid,
I just wanted to check in and see how your doing. It doesnt sound like your doing much better than me. Im sorry your familys treating you like shit, so are mine.
I know Im not supposed to be on here, but I miss you guys. I miss my blog and I miss talking to you guys and reading your blogs. I feel like I lost part of my family. I feel lonely and depressed. I cant talk about a lot of things on my blog at forum,many of these people wouldnt understand what Im dealing with, like you guys do. And this blog has restrictions, no profanitys. I just need so bad to let some things out. Things are really bad around here, and somedays I just dont know if Im going to make it.

I really miss you, and reading your blog. And I wanted to make sure your doing o.k. And Im sorry your familys doing you this way, and I know how your feeling. I think I would be much happier just being alone, without family, and you probably would to.

Please take care of yourself, and dont let them push you around o.k?

Take care

11:27 PM, August 28, 2005  
Blogger dawn said...

omg i am shocked the way they are treating you. it's so wrong and you have every right to be feeling what you're feeling. i hope you will be safe, and remember that you have blog friends(lots of them) that are here looking out for you. we understand, and will never judge.

11:55 PM, August 28, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

That's really rough, Sid. To be treated this way by your own family. I'm so sorry. Sometimes even our family and friends betray us. We cant really control how they think or what they do.

Hang in there, Sid.

12:56 AM, August 29, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Sid,

I am so sorry that your family is not able to show you the unconditional love that you need. It is the only real thing of value we can give one another. I wish that the borderline in my life were able to accept the love that I offer but he is quite unwell and not likely to seek help. Good luck as you continue to heal.

Peace. Staci

12:51 PM, August 29, 2005  

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