Saturday, August 06, 2005

Lost a day

Somehow I managed to lose a day. Not sure if I slept thru it or what, but I don't think I did. I'm so lost and confused. I could swear yesterday was Saturday though I'm pretty sure today is.

Anyway, Mr. Pdoc never called my T like he said he would. Though considering how busy he is, I should have expected nothing less. Not even sure how he thinks he'd get a hold of her. If he's not with patients in his office or at the hospital, I'm sure she's with patients. I see a massive game of phone tag if he does try to reach her.

My T confirmed the whole o.d. thing with the pills. Said she had a patient that did just that. She then asks why I'm telling her this information but didn't tell my pdoc. What would I tell him for? So he doesn't prescribe them? Just the way she asked really put me off. As if I was boring her with the details. It's not like I went on and on about it, she asked what happened with my visit so I told her.

She gave me a copy of my "treatment plan". This thing is a joke. The goal she has written down is "obtain and maintain optimal level of functioning". The treatment objectives to get to that very vague goal are:

1) Client will be able to identify triggers to symptoms 50% of the time.
We're no where near that. We haven't even worked on identifying triggers. Occasionally she will ask if I know what triggered something, but I never know and the discussion never advances beyond that.

2) Client will complete DBT tracker and bring to sessions every week.
Have only done this about half the time. She doesn't even keep them so I don't know why I bother filling them out. Nor does she seem to ask me a whole lot about what I fill in on them.

3) Client will be able to identify 1-2 effective options for coping each session.
Ha, that's a laugh. So far we haven't really found any effective coping skills that offer up much benefit, let alone 1-2 each session.

4) Client will utilize wise mind skills 50% of the time in sessions.
Ha, another laugh. She's never even explained what wise mind is. All I know is that it's a term from DBT.

5) Client will be able to identify the role of childhood abuse (neglect in current life) 50% of the time.
We haven't even gone into the whole childhood abuse deal because I don't yet trust her enough to even bother.

6) Client will be able to identify therapy interfering behaviors 60% of the time.
I can identify them 100% of the time. What I need are ways to overcome these types of roadblocks which so far she hasn't offered up except when it comes to cutting.

I've only been seeing this woman for about 4 months, but I feel like nothing has changed. We've made absolutely no progress. Stuck at square one. She isn't providing me with the answers I think I need to move forward. Maybe I'm just a fucking idiot, just as I've thought all along, and none of the knowledge and skills she is capable of offering up will help me because I'm too fucking retarded to know what to do with it.


Anonymous shannin said...

I don't think that it has anything to do with your intellegence level. And, beyond that, I find you incredibly intellegent.
I have had all of these same thoughts regarding my past t's and their "treatment plans". I had one that used this line everytime I felt like giving up: "You were never given the tools to deal with this. We are going to put tools in your toolbox so that you are able to use them to cope with these types of situations." WTF? I saw her for nearly a year.... and, I can't think of one damn "tool" she put in my "toolbox". I am proud of you for continuing therapy. Maybe just analyzing what idiots they are will help. I mean, if you can see the flaws in their plan, you can't be too far off....right?
Take care of you!

2:06 AM, August 06, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...


I'm just catching up on your blog. I can relate about the fear. I am suppposed to be starting a panic workshop -- 16 weeks long -- on Tuesday. I do think fear can block progress on therapy and treatment, although I hate to admit it. I'm in denial about the group. I really don't want to go to it.

About the treatment plan, how are you supposed to follow it if you don't understand the DBT jargon she's using? Has she explained that? I think her plan is a little unrealistic, and that it should start with smaller, clearer steps for you. Do you want to change Ts to get with somebody whom you can discuss the abuse with? I think that's very important. Trust between you and your T and pdoc seems to be a problem, and I suggest you tell them about it. If they don't already know. You've got to be able to trust them to make progress. That's essential.

Hope the Noritryptalin (spelling?) works, and don't stockpile it! Take it as you're supposed to and try to get better. It's worth feeling better.

Sid, you've got to overcome your fear enough to trust at least one of your mental health professionals. If you can't do that, I don't see how you can make progress. If you don't like your T, ask for a new one. But find someone in whom you can confide. You need to talk about the abuse. It is ripping you up and no doubt motivating your cutting. I'm very concerned about you.

Take good care of yourself!

11:29 AM, August 06, 2005  
Blogger mizeeyore said...

hi Sid. i just finished reading your blog and my heart goes out to you. i suffer from depression w/psychotic features, panic attacks and PTSD. i wish i could help to take the pain away that you feel. i have been hospitalized a total of four times and those four were enuf for me. i also can relate to the rages you feel at times...believe me there have been times when i wanted to just slam some muthafucka's head into a wall, or just fuckin rip a room to can you say 'psychotic' (lol).

i am sorry that you have had such shitty luck with pdocs and therapists. trust is also a big issue with me too, but i finally got a relatively good T and pdoc. altho i will admit there are times when i think they're not really doing anything to help me, but i also had to realize that in order for them to help me, i gotta help myself. yeah i know it sounds like mindless bullshit drivel, but hon, as one other person has said, you gotta be able to trust them in order for you to progress. from what i have read, you are an extremely intelligent and smart lady and i think your mothering skills are par excellence. i'm a mom too, and believe me i felt worthless as a mother, but thru sheer determination and faith (and dont worry i'm not gonna go Jesus on ya, a'ight *smile*) i manage to still keep an interest in my daughters' lives and their well being. my oldest is 26 and my youngest will be 18 on the 25th of this month. at times i feel like a flop for a mother for having this goddamn illness, and i too had attempted suicide because the pain was too unbearable and i didnt feel my kids deserved a mama like me. so i do understand that kind of pain.

anyways, i've yapped long enuf here...i have a blog here on blogspot's called "the brink of insanity - a journey thru mental illness" and it's at if you wanna peruse it.

all i can say to you Sid, is hang in there have a sweet daughter who needs her mama. choose to live for her if no one else ok? (((((((((((((Sid))))))))))))))))))

5:32 PM, August 06, 2005  
Blogger BipolarPrincess said...

When I was in therapy I used to lie my ass off. Sometimes I still do with my P-doc. Maybe you could set your own goals that you want to make with therapy, and try to get yourself to talk about those issues. Kudos for going, I can't make myself go.

10:21 PM, August 06, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know how you feel. Sometimes doctors seem like more trouble than their worth. Im about to give up myself.
It seems like your therapist is causing you a lot of stress. Doesnt seem like very good therapy to me, but I dont know. Maybe you should give it a try, maybe it will work.

Ill see ya,

12:51 AM, August 07, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

It doesn't sound as if your therapist is doing her job at all. I know this will sound really obvious, but are you able to find another t? Or request to have another one?


1:07 AM, August 07, 2005  

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