Saturday, July 30, 2005


...sometimes I welcome it with open arms, but at the same time feel selfish for wanting and doing it. Unresponsive to those around me that seem to have become accustomed to me providing support, a sense of camaraderie, unity, connection. No one's ever come out and said anything about it bothering them, do I honestly think they would anyway?

My T one time told me that I couldn't dictate another person's thoughts. This would be an instance when she would probably apply that statement. Mind-reading, isn't that the supposed cognitive distortion here? Thinking that it bothers others that I isolate when no one's ever said anything? I'm sure another way to look at it would be manipulating a positive response, garnering attention. As if I'd accept any response as the truth.

I cut the other day, in the parking lot of the hospital the ex was having surgery at. Nice to always have a razor blade on me. Never know when that urge will become too powerful to fight off. I was just tired of the anxiety and depression and hopelessness. Angry at myself for being this way. Angry at my therapist for being unable to crawl into my brain and make me all better. Angry at these medications that make me feel numb and provide little relief.

I did spend the night with the ex, though I had originally decided against it. He wasn't feeling too well after the surgery and couldn't even dress himself so I decided I'd be nice, stay with him and help him out. Apparently I don't do it for him sexually anymore because he was unable to perform, first time that's ever happened. Guess I know where all this time and hope is going...right down the tubes with everything else. Maybe she was better at the whole sex thing, more vocal, more experienced. Can't go back to me when he's had better right? He didn't talk to me much after that. Kept saying he wasn't feeling well but I don't believe him. Just seems like too convenient of an answer. But maybe it is the truth...I don't fucking know.

Why are there no fucking answers to all the questions I have? I don't have the answers and no one else seems to either. And no, I'm not asking the wrong questions either. I'm asking the questions that I need answered.

My head feels like shit. Guess I'll dope up again and hopefully pass out quickly.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your a very supportive person Sid.
Youve been there for me and and others many times. Dont be so hard on yourself. We all need to isolate ourselves sometimes. You dont have to feel bad about that. You do what you feel you need to do o.k?

Take care,
Big hugs

3:34 PM, July 30, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On the issue of "performance"...he did just have surgery, try not to take it personal. (hahahaha....that coming from my mouth! hahahaha)
take care of you.

11:02 AM, August 01, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home