Friday, July 15, 2005

T Session

Had an interesting session with my T today. We focused solely on my concerns about doing this walk on Saturday. My anxiety continues to grow and I'm finding that I can't sleep even with the Seroquel because my whole body is running on overdrive.

She suggested that if I start getting panicky when I meet the members of my team that I should excuse myself, go to the bathroom and try breathing exercises to calm down. Then I should let my team know that I'm having an anxiety attack so they are aware of what's going on. She said that they are there for more than just motivating me to get thru the 20 miles. We are there to support each other emotionally as well.

She kept reminding me that I won't be a failure if I don't walk the whole distance. That the event is more than just the walking itself. I told her that I would push myself to finish because anything less would be unacceptable. That got us started back on the whole black & white thinking again. She laughs every time I say something that is so rigid. She knows that is going to be the hardest barrier to break down. Doesn't bother me that she laughs because I have a few times as well.

So she gave me a rock. Yes, a real rock, a grey one. She wants me to carry it with me and take it out when I feel myself thinking all or nothing thoughts. She wants me to focus on the grey and try to move my thoughts into the grey area. To think of a different way of looking at things. I have my doubts about whether this will produce any successes, but I'll give it a try.

After my appointment I came home still thinking about the walk. I decided I wanted to put a message on the back of the t-shirt they gave me when I signed up that they want everyone to wear. I thought about it for awhile and finally settled on this:

Tomorrow’s Another Day…

I am a survivor of several of my own suicide attempts. I still battle my demons daily - severe major depression, anxiety disorder and borderline personality disorder. At times it’s a struggle just to get through each minute of the day. But I’m still fighting, most of all for my daughter’s sake.

I’m walking not only to honor those lost to suicide and those like myself that are desperately trying to hold on for another day, but also to work towards lifting the stigma surrounding mental illness. There should be no shame in being ill, no matter what the illness is.

At the time it felt like a good message. Unfortunately I can't change it because I wrote it in permanent marker. Now when I reread it, it just sounds too hypocritical.


Blogger Humblejohn said...

Hey Sid,
I think your tee shirt is fine, and you will do fine as well. Your right about not worrying about the's about involvement and support. Go have a good time and meet some new people. You're in my prayers, Take care. john

3:56 PM, July 15, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel for you. I understand the fear of meeting new people. But these people care, they wont judge you.
You are a surviver, and dont worry about the outcome,just do your best.
Have a good time, and good luck with the run.

Take care

11:07 PM, July 15, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

I think it's great that you are giving this a go. I wish you all the best on the walk.

I agree with your T - even if you don;t go the full distance, I think it's great you gave it a try.

Polar Bear

1:30 AM, July 16, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Sid, I think it's great that you are doing this walk -- as I speak. I know that you will go as far as you can, which is enough. Keep that grey rock nearby.

And I love your T-shirt. Don't feel embarrassed by it. I think it reflects the truth, and you were courageous to write it in permanent ink.

Good luck, and try to have fun!

Big hugs,

1:39 PM, July 16, 2005  

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