Confusion reigns

Today's visit with Ms. N went better than the last few have. Don't think we made any progress but at least I didn't leave there feeling like I should just end it all. I filled out the weekly DBT tracker for her, though she didn't seem to read much of it. Just pointed out that I didn't fill in many of the skills at the bottom. Since I haven't really done much DBT, I told her I didn't understand what most of the crap at the bottom was. I don't know what wise mind is, or what observe the experience entails. So she wasted time explaining them. I still don't really get them. I must be stupid.

She told me I should call my pdoc and schedule an appointment for sooner than the August 2nd one I already have. Yes, I know you told me the same thing Suzanne. Two against one, majority rules right? However, during our session today, I figured out why I haven't been able to call. It's not so much that I don't want to bug the guy, though that does play a part. But the real reason is because I feel that if I have to see him sooner or more often than just once every two months, I have to admit to myself there really is a problem which in turn will bring up the feelings of failure.

Failure is a very difficult thing to deal with for someone that expects perfection from themselves. I feel like I'm doing everything wrong when I start to get worse, even though I know that I've tried to do some things differently. The two just don't reconcile with each other, least not in my head. I don't want to bring myself to accept that I'm not doing well, even though I clearly know I'm in trouble. Maybe if I ignore it it'll go away I guess. Problem is, I just want to ignore everything because it takes too much energy to deal with life and I know that is not a realistic way to improve.

My homework for the week seems confusing to me. Since everything with me is black or white, all or nothing, she told me that I have to see green instead. That doesn't make sense. How does one see green in a situation where nothing is tangible? I don't physically see my thoughts as black or white, how can I add green into a non-existent mix?

Everything is too confusing lately. My concentration is almost completely gone again. Comprehension is no where to be found. The thoughts that are there are all scrambled so nothing is coherent. And gawd, that awful fucking noise storming thru my head at all hours. It's making me think about the power drill to the temple idea again.