Exceptionally hard

Today was an exceptionally hard day. Was very depressed when I woke up and it got worse as the day dragged on. Nothing triggered it, so phooey to all these professionals that keep insisting there has to be a trigger. It is possible to simply wake up with all consuming depression.

It got worse as the day went on because I had to go face Ms. N. The prospect of which always triggers a panic attack. Today I took some Ativan I've been hoarding so I could save the Valium. I did bring this up with her today about always having a panic attack before I have to come see her. But, as with everything else, we came up with no cause, no answer.

I spent a lot of time trying to hold back the tears with limited success. There was a steady stream flowing down my cheeks, but I didn't out right bawl like I wanted to. We talked about what was causing the tears, but it just made it all that much harder to hold them back. I was really struggling.

I did ask her what I should do if I can no longer hold off the desire to hurt myself. She said call 911 or go to the hospital. Guess she thought I meant hurt as in try to kill myself. Why would I go to the hospital simply because I wanted to self injure? That's a waste of time and money. Only way I'd go is if I need stitches.

On the way home I stop at the mental hospital. I wanted to go sit in the waiting area just to have that extra measure of safety and to remind myself I don't want to be locked up in there. But I figured they'd take issue with that and would want me to talk to someone. Instead I ended up sitting in the parking lot for over an hour.

It's so hard to be lost in a world where everyone around you seems to have a destination, or at the very least a chosen route, a general direction. But I'm the one that got myself lost right? If so, I should be able to find my own way out by any means I choose.