Thursday, June 16, 2005

Exceptionally hard

Today was an exceptionally hard day. Was very depressed when I woke up and it got worse as the day dragged on. Nothing triggered it, so phooey to all these professionals that keep insisting there has to be a trigger. It is possible to simply wake up with all consuming depression.

It got worse as the day went on because I had to go face Ms. N. The prospect of which always triggers a panic attack. Today I took some Ativan I've been hoarding so I could save the Valium. I did bring this up with her today about always having a panic attack before I have to come see her. But, as with everything else, we came up with no cause, no answer.

I spent a lot of time trying to hold back the tears with limited success. There was a steady stream flowing down my cheeks, but I didn't out right bawl like I wanted to. We talked about what was causing the tears, but it just made it all that much harder to hold them back. I was really struggling.

I did ask her what I should do if I can no longer hold off the desire to hurt myself. She said call 911 or go to the hospital. Guess she thought I meant hurt as in try to kill myself. Why would I go to the hospital simply because I wanted to self injure? That's a waste of time and money. Only way I'd go is if I need stitches.

On the way home I stop at the mental hospital. I wanted to go sit in the waiting area just to have that extra measure of safety and to remind myself I don't want to be locked up in there. But I figured they'd take issue with that and would want me to talk to someone. Instead I ended up sitting in the parking lot for over an hour.

It's so hard to be lost in a world where everyone around you seems to have a destination, or at the very least a chosen route, a general direction. But I'm the one that got myself lost right? If so, I should be able to find my own way out by any means I choose.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hello Sid,
You didnt get yourself lost.These things started when you were very young,long before you had any control over them.

Its hard to watch the world pass by while we sit frozen in time.People talking about going to college and there careers.I know it doesnt seem fair.But dont blame yourself,we may have made some bad dicisions but its not our fault that were sick.
Your a single mother raising a child,thats a very important job.And your working very hard to get well.Your not exactly doing nothing.

Im sorry your feeling depressed.Please be careful with those pills o.k?

Hope you feel better soon.

1:34 AM, June 17, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Some days just plain suck, you're right about that. And some days you do wake up and just feel that low. But there will be days when it's not too bad. I hope you remember those days, even if they are few and far in between.

Hang in there, buddy.
Polar Bear

1:50 AM, June 18, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

I am so sorry you were so depressed, and I believe you didn't have a trigger because I've experienced the same thing. A suggestion though: Next time you go to the mental hospital, go ahead and go in. If any one asks you what you are doing there, just tell them you are reminding yourself why you don't want to be there. I'm sure they'll understand. I don't think they'll try to lock you away or anything.

I understand about not wanting to go to the hospital except for stiches. I don't have any insurance and am not on medicaid, so I would have to pay for it myself, which I can't afford to do. But that can be a good thing too because then I think twice before cutting, thinking that I don't want to end up on a 3 day mental health hold or have to have stiches.

You are a good person, Sid. Try to remember that. And hang in there for your daughter. Plus, cry all you need to. Get it out. Holding it in isn't going to help. I wish I could cry -- I need to.

Big hugs,

12:37 PM, June 18, 2005  

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