Wednesday, June 08, 2005

On auto-pilot

I'm going thru the motions of daily living, but doing so on auto-pilot because I don't remember anything the next day. I thought today was Thursday. Thankfully I was wrong about that or I'd have missed my apptmt with Ms. N. Guess I jumped a day ahead because this week has seemed entirely too long.

Tonight I should really think about the homework Ms. N gave me. Try to come up with some answer as to why I can't allow myself to be anything less than perfect. I honestly don't even know where to start looking for the answer. Is it so wrong to want to do a task absolutely, 100% correct? I mean, I certainly wouldn't want to only wash part of my face, or wear clothes that didn't fit and/or matched. When I was working, I wouldn't have wanted to send a check to the wrong person or give someone the wrong information. Being perfect is an asset at times, why can't it be an asset all the time?

That voice inside that says none of this is worth it is constantly screaming at me lately. Screaming to stop taking my meds, stop seeing Ms. N, grab the knife, hurt yourself. It's so fucking loud I can't stand it. A few times I've screamed aloud back at it telling it to shut the fuck up, but it won't go away. This is when I wonder if I'm psychotic because I can't control what's going on in my own head.

I think the voice is behind the bad memories that keep coming up. I had more today as I drove home from my sister's house. I tried to block them out, tried to concentrate on the CD that was playing and to the road in front of me. They just kept coming though, so vividly, putting me through all of those situation again. Making me feel the emotions associated with each one again. Engulfing me to the point that I lose awareness of anything around me.

Someone make it stop!!!!!!!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Nobody can be perfect at everything,we,ll only drive ourselves crazy if we try.Some things are quite a bit more complicated than washing your face.
Keeping the house clean wouldnt excactly be such a bad compulsion to have,although the shower thing sucks,thought I was the only one that did that.
But no your not weird,it definatley sounds like ocd.

Wish there was some way to reach into our brain and just pull out all those bad thoughts.Like a computer,just pull out all that old data,all that junk flooding our mind,but things just arent that simple I guess.

Hope your able to get over that germ thing so you can read your books.Hope ya find a good one,maybe you could wear some gloves or something.So long Sid.

11:12 PM, June 08, 2005  

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