Perfect

Met with Ms. N today. Things went really slow because I didn't know what to talk about. I'd had a fairly benign week so there wasn't anything there to discuss though we did briefly talk about the ex. Just mentioned my concerns regarding him and finances. Probably only spent about 10 mins on that before the silence engulfed us again. I then mentioned the panic attacks that are still coming on hard.

We tried to figure out what may have triggered my panic attacks this week and in doing so we got onto the topic of perfection again. Told her about my shredding papers on Tuesday. Wanted to just do the pile of recent stuff that was sitting on the desk to get it out of my way, but that wasn't good enough for me. Felt like I'd started a project but didn't finish. So I proceeded to go thru files in my desk looking for stuff that should be shredded. Old pay stubs attached to income tax returns that I didn't need to be saving because they dated back to pre-baby years, circa 1991 & earlier. Old receipts attached to bank statements. Stuff that I save at the time, but really don't need to hang on to.

After I'd filled one huge garbage bag, I tried to change my behavior and told myself this was crazy. That I didn't need to do everything right then, I wouldn't die if these papers didn't all get shredded today. It was hard, but I did force myself to stop. I was anxious for quite awhile but allowed myself to feel it and worked on distracting. I got past the feelings without drinking, taking meds or giving in and getting the shredder out. Should be happy for my achievement right? WRONG!

I told Ms. N that the anxiety passed, but my negative feelings about not being perfect and having completed the entire task are tearing me up. I feel like I've failed. Told her it has to be all or nothing. I shouldn't do something if I'm not going to do it 100%. I hate people that do a half-ass job, and hate myself 100 times more when I do that.

So based on this, I've been given homework. I at least remembered to ask her to write it down for me so I wouldn't forget once I walked out of her office. My homework is to come up with answers to this question: What is it that prevents me from giving myself permission to be imperfect?

The really fucked up part in all this is that I'm afraid to put something together for her because I'm afraid I won't provide the answers she thinks might be the cause. That she'll think I didn't look hard enough inside myself to find the real answers. That I won't do it perfectly. HA! What a fucking loser I am.