Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Lost it

I lost it today at my parents. Couldn't tell who was more shocked, me or them. My father made a comment about my daughter not being there for dinner because she wanted to go out with her friends. Mind you they themselves weren't sure if they'd be there for dinner either because they had taken a drive up to Wisconsin. Anyway, he tells me that if she misses dinner again he isn't going to cook for her. So I got pissed off and told him not to cook for her. He kept going on about it and rage took over. I finally yelled that he should just stop cooking for both of us. Told them it was a mistake for me to move in here and I would do my damnedest to get the fuck out as soon as possible. I ran downstairs, locked myself in the bathroom and proceeded to cry like I haven't cried in quite awhile.

He came down about 10 mins later, after he'd heard me come out from the bathroom and tried to talk to me. I handed him $10 and told him it was for the food neither the kiddie or I had eaten but he seemed offended and wouldn't take it. Said he hadn't meant to sound so angry about it, but that I don't make my daughter do anything. Don't make her do chores or give her other responsibilities. At that point I lost it even more. Told him I refused to raise my daughter the way I was. Told him I'd grown up believing that my parents didn't love me or give a shit about me. That I was never good enough to make them proud of me or have them even notice me. Said my daughter has a responsibility, it's called school and she's excelling at it. I do make her help clean when I clean but I refuse to require her to do certain tasks everyday.

I know the man has a temper and a lot of strength for a 65 yr old, but I honestly didn't care. I just couldn't contain everything anymore. Once it all started, I couldn't make it stop. He could have put me thru the wall and I would have just kept right on yelling.

I can feel myself slipping back into the dark depths of suicidal hell despite my efforts to "do things differently" as I'm told I should. With great reluctance I'm taking my meds every day, though I will admit I do miss one or two pills of the Neurontin a week because I just can't get used to taking something 3 times a day. I'm taking my vitamins just about every day and getting some exercise. I try to distract from how crappy I feel by watching tv, reading, playing games on the computer or even working on the fundraiser.

I'm seeing and actually talking to Ms. N, though last week I did cut it short and today she cancelled on me again, supposedly because she was sick. I have refused to give in to my self harm desires, though it is getting quite hard to resist. The images of me slicing myself open, knowing the feel of the blade and the warmth of my blood as it flows down my arm are so hard to block out that I have no doubt I will eventually give in to them. But I haven't yet, I'm still fighting them which is a bit of progress instead of simply giving in to them right away as I would have in the past.

I just don't feel right anymore. I can feel the uneasiness building inside and I don't know what from. I'm so weak, as if all the strength I use each day to keep the feelings locked inside has drained me to the point of collapse. No amount of sleep helps. No amount of distracting helps. I feel so stressed yet also feel I have nothing to be stressed about.

How is this "doing things differently" supposed to help? It's not helping, it's making me worse.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Sometimes we just lose it,it cant be controlled.When all the tension and frustration gets to be too much we just explode.Like my parents yours too are probably realizing that its out of your control,maybe thats why thier not beating the crap out of us anymore.

We just keep popping pills and more pills,and yet were still stuck at home with our parents and going out of our minds.
The doctors and the pharmaseutical industries will just keep pumping us up with pills and making a fortune.Well at least someones happy I guess.
I guess theres therapy,hope yours is helping.Your lucky to have a therapist who cares about you.I think its harder to get a good therapist with medicaid.Did you ever get approved for medicaid?

2:15 AM, May 18, 2005  

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