Wednesday, May 11, 2005


Nearly 3 am and here I sit again. This scene just keeps repeating itself. Like a broken record that keeps skipping and everyone's too lazy to get up and move the needle forward. Today is a little different though. Very little, but still different. My mind feels alive right now. It's thinking, it's functioning. It's not flooded to capacity with all the music and voices. I actually have a bit of concentration, and I'm willing to savor this little bit of clarity at the expense of sleep.

In less than 24 hours I've managed to collect $60 in donations for the fundraiser. So what if $25 of that is in the form of an anonymous donation made by myself. I just didn't want people going there and not donating because no one else had. I haven't even sent the bulk email yet to the gang I know from the aol chatroom I have frequented for years. At last count there were 64 names on it but I know I'm missing people. I'm just reluctant to send it because it means revealing a side of me most people there don't know. Though I have hinted and joked that I'm crazy in the head, and my screen name even hints at it, less than 10 people know the truth that I really am mentally ill.

I did send the email to the 5 people on there that I trust most, and 3 have responded that it was a good email and I should send it to the whole group. One said it was very professional and I should send it, but that there will be gossip running around now about me being crazy and that some people will distance themselves from me. I'm still waiting to hear from the last person, the one I most value the opinion of. On the one hand I don't care what the majority of these people think of me, most are just fonts on a screen. But on the other hand, I have frequented this room for years and have known most of the people for at least a year, most I've known for 5 or more. I don't want to feel unwelcomed after all this time just because I have an illness.

Guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. I'll probably send it and just ask one or two of the people I actually consider friends, not just an acquaintance font on my screen, to monitor the chat and see if people are talking negatively about me. I'll be out of town Thursday and most of Friday so that'll give 'em time to talk.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

That fear of what people would think if they really knew us is one I think most all of us can relate to. And, we all logically know that if they don't accept us for the real us, then they aren't our friends. However, logic isn't our stong point. And, even if it were, feelings don't run on logic. It hurts when people distance themselves from us, for any reason. When it is due to our illness, it hurts tenfold. It is not something we can control, yet we are judged by it, even by those we care for most. It sucks. I think it is the one thing this world needs more understanding, compassion, and acceptance of. Just try to remember that most people are ignorant to our suffering and that there are many of us out here that understand and accept you, no matter how "crazy" you may be. Good luck!
Take care of you,

3:03 PM, May 11, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dont see you as being crazy,I dont see any of us as crazy.Its a sickness,like any other sickness only its in our mind,which unfortunatley affects our behavior.People are ignorant about mental illness,they could never understand unless it happens to them.

I can relate about not wanting people to know about your illness.We all want to be looked up too and respected,we dont want to be looked down on or pityed.But if those people cant accept us under all conditions,problems,sicknesses and all then they cant truley care about us and their friendship isnt really worth much anyway,dont ya think?


11:21 PM, May 11, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

What if you didn't admit to the full extent of your illness? Like admitting to depression. Depression is becoming more acceptable in the general public. I don't see why you need to confess the whole tamale if you don't need to. The fact is, mental illness has a stigma attached to it. So be conscious of that when you write your letter. It would help to not alienate those people you have become familiar with, although I would hope that the ones you have become closest with would be understanding. But you never know. I just don't think we need to spill our guts to the world. At least, that's how I view it. But you may have a different perspective.


11:45 PM, May 13, 2005  

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