Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Bad day

Another bad therapy appointment today. I left after about half an hour because I was just too upset to be there and I felt like I was wasting her time. Now I want to drink or cut or both because dying isn't an option right now. I have to keep repeating that to myself. It's not an option.

I hate myself for being this way. What did I do that was so wrong that I have to continually suffer this pain? Why is my head so fucking screwed up now that it leaves me feeling there is no chance in hell that it'll ever be straightened out? How do I override all the negative thoughts to be able to take a step forward without falling flat on my face?

Ms. N tried to tell me this was the depression, that everything in my head is the depression talking. But it's MY voice I hear. I hear myself saying I'm only depressed because I'm still alive, trapped in a worthless, hopeless hell that I'll never escape from. There is no other voice or person telling me these things. How could I be so wrong about my own reality? I'm the one living it aren't I? How is it possible for things to be that skewed inside my own head? It just doesn't make sense. Nothing makes sense anymore. It's all just contradictions.


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