Monday, May 02, 2005

5 weeks

I just realized today that is all the kiddie has left of school, 5 weeks. That's a scary thought. 5 weeks until I no longer have the break of being apart from her for 6 & a half hours a day, 5 days a week. 5 more weeks until I start hearing "I'm bored" a lot more often...UGH! I'm sooooo not ready for that. Actually for her it's more like 4 weeks because she's off this Friday, off next week Thurs & Fri for the GC concert, only has half a day the following Fri & then off for the holiday.

I have an appointment with Ms. N later today. Guess there is only one topic worth discussing with her this time...the ex. Not that I want to go there just yet with her, but it'll have to be addressed sooner or later so may as well do it now while it's becoming an issue again. Don't really expect her to be able to help at all. It's relationship crap, something I need to sort thru on my own.

He didn't talk to me when he dropped the kiddie off yesterday. I went outside to remind him about the kiddie's orchestra concert next week so he has time to make sure the work schedule gets him done in time to attend. He just said he wasn't feeling well, gave me a hug & left. It was a relief that he left so quickly. I certainly was not prepared to discuss "us". Wonder if he realizes Mother's Day is next Sunday so he won't get to see the kiddie next weekend unless he comes on Saturday, forgot to mention that.

Yesterday was fairly uneventful, which was nice for a change. Slept til 1 pm, did laundry, managed to shower & shave my legs. Head didn't feel as foggy as it has. Still don't have much concentration though. Tried to read one of the books I picked up from the library but only got thru about 2 chapters before I was so confused I had to put it down.

I find that very frustrating, not to be able to concentrate. Makes me feel so stupid and supposedly I have a high IQ. Some of the symptoms of mental illness are very confusing to me. Don't understand the cause or why the medications don't help to alleviate them.

I went to the psych hospital Saturday night after I'd dropped the kiddie & a friend off at the movies. Pulled into the parking lot and sat there in my car for a bit, wishing I could be admitted, but yet glad I was still free. Think sometimes I just yearn to be in there in hopes that the cure for what ails me has finally been found and I can only have access to it if I'm inpatient. I know that's not realistic though. The quantity or duration of hospital stays will never cure me. I'm defective for life.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

You're not defective, Sid. I think we have some issues to sort through, but we are not defective.

Somtimes psych hospitals can be a safe place to be. But most of the time, I don't think it's a good place to be. We need to be living our lives in order to learn how to better deal with our emotions.

Take care...
Polar Bear

1:37 AM, May 02, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

Sid, BIG HUGS! I agree with Polar Bear. You're not defective. You just have some things that need to be worked out. I know how being an inpatient and being taken care of can be comforting, but you're right, you have to work on these issues in the real world.

And you are definitely not defective for life! You're not defective at all. Sid, we just have to work through our stuff, there's no way around it. And you have a lot of stuff to work through, but you ARE working through it.

I think talking to your t about your ex is a good idea when the time is right.

Please take good care of yourself.
More hugs,

10:27 PM, May 02, 2005  

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