Thursday, April 21, 2005

And today's word is...


DEFINITION: (adjective) feeling sorry for past crimes or sins
SYNONYMS: shamed, apologetic, contrite

Should I be penitent for anything? What crimes or sins do I have to apologize for? Actually, since I do not believe in god, I don't believe in sin. But that still leaves crimes.

I originally started this post at 3 pm yesterday afternoon. After the above paragraph I had gone on to list crimes I'd committed, most of which were done when I was a juvenile, though I'd never been arrested for them. Things like doing drugs, underaged drinking, petty theft and an incident of breaking & entering. As an adult, my crimes have been limited to driving offenses, though again...I've never been arrested. Nothing I'm really apologetic about. I made stupid mistakes like everyone does, I don't feel I need to apologize for them so I deleted the details.

There is one crime though that has haunted me to this day. One night of abuse (physical, not sexual) that I put someone else thru when I was about 13-14. I just snapped on this innocent victim and assaulted them in nearly the same way my mother had always done to me. One of the things that haunts me is how vicious and evil I was about the whole thing. The person didn't need medical care to which I'm thankful. But I often wonder if I inflicted any psychological damage. There have been many times I wish I could track them down and apologize because I do feel horrible. I wanted to apologize back then but I was so afraid, I had no idea what came over me to even act that way.

I wonder if that incident plays a part in why I take most of my anger out on myself now. Why I'm so afraid of rage. I would think it does. I refuse to make excuses for my behaviour that night and take full responsibility for what I did. I will never be able to forgive myself though.


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