Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Days like today

It's days like today that make me question everything. I'm trying to block out all the 'why' questions, but they are the ones I most want answers to. Why am I still alive? Why am I pursuing therapy when I don't think it will help? Why have I succumbed to these mental defects in my brain? Why has my memory deteriorated so badly? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why can't I hold back the tears? Why do I resign myself to taking medications that do little more than alter my brain in even more disturbing ways? Why can't I turn off the music in my head? Why does everything have to be so difficult?

I'd love to be able to escape from myself. To escape the raging war that's going on inside. Think that's what I'm hoping for every time I runaway for a weekend or move to a new place. Trying to out run the demons that are haunting me. But I am the demon. I am the enemy. I need to annihilate myself in order to eradicate the demon within.


Blogger Humblejohn said...

Hi Sid,
I've been reading your blog for some time now quite religously and find that you are far more valuable than you think. I find that you are very smart and although you are in great pain you have so much to live for. You don't know me from Adam, my name is John and I live in Maine. I am a tormented soul and definitely are battling my inner demons. I have not been diagnosed with anything other than depression , however I was in love with and still am, with a woman with BPD. She is a terribly hurt person and I wish our relationship could have survived. I still love her dearly and even though she has painted me black I wish I could be her friend again as I miss her. God !! am I rambling or what!!! Anyway...I just wanted to finally say hello and to let you know that you are touching other peoples souls with your work here, intentional or not. So...I hope someday you start that website you were talking about awhile back. Sid, you are a beautiful WILL pull through.

5:27 PM, April 13, 2005  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

Hey Sid,

About running away - I do that a lot too. To the extreme, some would say. I've moved countries, moved cities, thinking I can outrun my demons.

But as you well know yourself, you can't outrun yourself.

You have to work at this. It's hard, yes. It's painful and sometimes it doesn't even seem worth all this trouble. But the fact that you are still here today shows that you've got the courage and determination to feel better one day and to live a life worth living.

My T tells me that even if I don't believe I will ever get to that point, she believes in me and that should be good enough for now.

I believe in you, Sid. I believe you can do this.

5:37 PM, April 13, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

You are not the enemy that needs annihilation. You are a very good, very worthwhile person who has made an enormous and positive impact on my life.

Asking the "why's" are tough. I find there is no simple answer. So I try not to even ask why. I try to accept the situation as it is. And this is hard because I know it sucks for you as it does for me.

But you are achieving so much. You just took a much needed (even though a little stressful) vacation, and there are the questions about your ex, which I mean in a positive way. There's the townhouse, and you are making progress, even if you can't see it for yourself. You are living through each day, which is an enormous accomplishment. In many ways you are a role model for me as a person who is making it through difficult times and managing to raise a healthy girl. That's outstanding! It's much better than I did with my son.

So lighten up on my friend Sid and let her catch her breath. Can you find some small ways to escape each day? Like watching movies, blogging, etc.? Maybe if you could plan each day a little time of escape, it would make it more bearable. You can't outrun the demons, you know that, but you can give yourself miny vacations from the strain of them, and that I think would be healthy...

6:16 PM, April 13, 2005  
Blogger borderline savvy said...

The blogger is acting up again. If you get this post, just know that Polar Bear and I have both responded to you. Stupid program!

5:35 PM, April 14, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

Thanks for the kind words. Sucks not to be able to believe in yourself.

11:56 PM, April 14, 2005  

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