Days like today
It's days like today that make me question everything. I'm trying to block out all the 'why' questions, but they are the ones I most want answers to. Why am I still alive? Why am I pursuing therapy when I don't think it will help? Why have I succumbed to these mental defects in my brain? Why has my memory deteriorated so badly? Why do I have to suffer like this? Why can't I hold back the tears? Why do I resign myself to taking medications that do little more than alter my brain in even more disturbing ways? Why can't I turn off the music in my head? Why does everything have to be so difficult?
I'd love to be able to escape from myself. To escape the raging war that's going on inside. Think that's what I'm hoping for every time I runaway for a weekend or move to a new place. Trying to out run the demons that are haunting me. But I am the demon. I am the enemy. I need to annihilate myself in order to eradicate the demon within.
2 Comments:
Hey Sid,
About running away - I do that a lot too. To the extreme, some would say. I've moved countries, moved cities, thinking I can outrun my demons.
But as you well know yourself, you can't outrun yourself.
You have to work at this. It's hard, yes. It's painful and sometimes it doesn't even seem worth all this trouble. But the fact that you are still here today shows that you've got the courage and determination to feel better one day and to live a life worth living.
My T tells me that even if I don't believe I will ever get to that point, she believes in me and that should be good enough for now.
I believe in you, Sid. I believe you can do this.
Thanks for the kind words. Sucks not to be able to believe in yourself.
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