The good dr & the ex

Saw the good Dr. T today. Told him all about the anxiety still being so high and causing so much nervous energy that I hadn't been able to sleep the last few days (I did finally crash last night). Told him how I've been binge drinking to help control the anger so I don't hurt myself or others. Let him know the depression has eased up a bit. Told him about all the memory problems and noise in my head. Just tried to be straight forward and honest. Think I said more to him today than I have in the last year.

He didn't like the fact that I'm drinking. One of his sub-specialties is substance abuse. Luckily, he didn't give me any kind of lecture. He just said that drinking will hamper the effectiveness of the medications and therapy. Think he didn't press the issue because I did tell him I was drinking to avoid cutting. He made it seem like I was choosing the least destructive of the two negative coping skills.

After all that, his only solution was to up the Seroquel again to 200mg. The same level I was at when I stopped my meds in November. He wrote me a new prescription for it. I didn't want to tell him I already have a stash of the 200 & 300 mg pills. Think I'll fill the prescription but swap the new ones out for the old ones, keep my stash fresh.

Ok, on to the ex since I've avoided detailing the story long enough. Sunday I needed to talk to him about some paperwork he asked me to fill out and to give him a copy of the kiddie's results on some standardized tests she'd taken. Hadn't planned on talking to him for any longer than was needed to discuss those two things. But he mentioned he'd talk to his dad which started the whole ball rolling.

He'd sent an email to his father & stepmother to get all his feelings out. To let his soul bleed out and tell them all the things that have been building up inside him since he was a kid. To explain to them how they had a hand in the adult he's turned into. How his life is a disaster and all that kind of stuff. So he says when he called his dad, his stepmom tells him that she doesn't think they are ready to talk to him yet. Which is hard for him because besides his daughter, they are the only family he has.

He did end up talking to his father who he says kind of blew him off in respect to the email. He did tell his dad about a job opportunity he has that could be a big financial payoff for him and in turn myself & the kiddie. His exgirlfriend's brother owns a company installing security doors making between 90-100k per year. His company just landed a contract with Home Depot to do all their installations and he's going to need to hire at least a dozen or so employees to help. The downside is that the employees would work as independent contractors and have to own their van plus pay an upfront fee of $750 to cover workmen's comp insurance.

By mentioning this opportunity to his dad, he was hoping his dad would offer to help him acquire a van and help with the other costs to get up and running. He didn't straight out ask for the money, but kind of hinted at it. His dad of course didn't say anything. Guess he was just kind of distant the whole conversation. So, being the idiot that I am, I asked him if he'd checked into how much it would cost to buy a used van or even to rent one. Told him that maybe I could help him if what he says is true and he could make the kind of money he's talking about. My thought being that if I help him secure better employment I'll get my investment back, plus finally get child support so I can move the fuck out of here.

Things just snowballed from there in terms of conversation. He then tells me he desperately needs to find a new job because he's just not making it financially where he's at and now his exgirlfriend has told him to move out by June 1st. She incidentally called while the two of us were talking and I could tell by the side of the conversation I was hearing that she was upset about him talking to me. She's not seeing him anymore and I'm the mother of his child...why should she give a shit if he's talking to me??

Anyway, as soon as he tells me about the move thing, I make the mistake of telling him that I had planned to find out how much a townhouse we'd seen for rent was. That if it was affordable, I had considered asking him to move in with us since it has 3 bedrooms. My original thought when I'd seen the for rent sign was that it'd be nice for the kiddie to have her father nearby.

It often seems like he's making hints that he wants to get back together, but has never come out and said it. Usually says that he made a big mistake leaving me. This of course pulls at my heart strings because as much as I hate him sometimes, I still love him so much too. Guess I'm trying to manipulate a reunion. And I hate myself for that. For knowing that I would forego all my previous statements and toss my self respect in the trash for this man. He cheated on me and lied to me, and yet I would be willing to put myself at risk of that happening again just to be with him.

From the incident I wrote about previously where he asked if I was dating and I wouldn't tell him one way or another, he did assume I was. He mentioned that and I told him I wasn't dating, that it was the furthest thing from my mind right now. Luckily I bit my tongue before saying what almost slipped out...that I couldn't date when I'm still in love with someone else.

I still believe the two of us were meant to be together and I can't ever see myself being with anyone else. Unlike a lot of borderlines who jump from relationship to relationship for fear of being alone, or those that are constantly cheating, I'm not like that. I was very promiscuous when I was single and only when I was single. I've had two relationships in my life...one lasted for 3 months and I did go through the whole abandonment crap with him but finally got over him. The other was with my husband and I was with him for 12 years. I knew the minute I met him that he was my soul mate and I to this day, despite everything that's happened, truly believe he is.

It's so hard and I've cried a lot of tears since Sunday. We gave each other several big hugs and it felt so comfortable and soothing to be back in his arms. It was so hard to let go. I just don't know what to do. Do I try and move on? Do I tell him how I'm truly feeling and face possibly being rejected if he doesn't feel the same? There's so much that isn't resolved and I usually do ok with it when he's not around. But as soon as I'm with him again, it all comes flooding back and I don't have the slightest idea what to do with all these feelings and unanswered questions. Nothing feels final, everything just seems to be suspended and I'm waiting for the pieces to come together or fall apart completely.

He mentioned possibly getting together tomorrow for coffee to discuss this whole business opportunity if he's had a chance to check into the costs. He was going to take the day off to get his taxes done and stuff. I want to see him but I'm so afraid of what I'll say or do. So for now, I just cry.