Friday, April 08, 2005

How nice

How fucking nice of Blogger to finally get their shit together. I'd like to thank them for completely losing my post from yesterday and the comments I posted on other blogs. And for not allowing me to sign on for half a day. How fucking irritating.

Being that it's more than 24 hrs later, I haven't a clue what I wrote about yesterday. All I know was that I was angry and still so full of hate it was literally making me sick. I still feel that way but I haven't puked today. Don't know what the heck I have to be so angry about, but the rage kicked in and it doesn't want to let up. Kudos for me again, I haven't cut...yet. Actually I want to drink more than I want to cut. I should see what the old people have in their liquor cabinet. I think if I don't drink, I will be cutting before the night is over.

I should move over to my I hate blog when I'm done here. I'm sure I could come up with a laundry list of crap I hate today.

Yanno, I don't even think this is rage. This is more of the "I'm so damn irritated I want to rip my skin off" feeling. That irritated feeling you get when you're completely annoyed by someone and you want to scream at them to knock off whatever it is they're doing that's pissing you off and if they don't knock it off you want to stab them to death over and over and over til they're nothing more than a little blob of blood & guts. Hmmm, wonder if anyone else ever feels like this on a regular basis as well or if it's just another one of Sid's screwy in the head thoughts.

Ms. N called yesterday...surprise, surprise. I honestly hadn't expected to hear from her for at least another week, if at all. We rescheduled my last appointment to Thursday the 14th. Almost 3 weeks without seeing her. Wonder if I should have just stuck with the other place. At least if I was going there every 3 wks it was a shorter drive.

I see my pdoc on Tuesday. Can't wait to tell him how fucking angry I am. How little I'm sleeping. How fucking miserable I still am and how much I'd still like to kill myself despite not being as depressed as I was. Wonderful job these fucking pills do. Take away one symptom and make the others 500 times stronger. I'd love to go upstairs, grab a knife and just slit my throat. The fact that I can't allow myself to do that is probably adding to my anger.


Blogger borderline savvy said...

Hi Sid.
One thing that I can't relate very well to is rage. Not that I don't rage, it's just that it was trained (hit) out of me that thou shalt not be even angry, or irritated. I was so scared of my step-father who was a rage-a-holic (and alcoholic) that I learned to swallow all of my anger. So instead I have migraines, ulcers, chest pains, get the picture. I am always the nice one. I am the person standing on the side of the room at a party and not talking to anyone. If I got angry, I'd have to punish myself for being bad, so I try not to get angry. Even with all the therapy I've had, I still am just opening up to my anger. And I imagine when I do, the roof will blow off. I have so much stored up anger, I'd be angry for years.

So good for you that you're angry. Yes, the Blogger sucks when it acts up. But you've got good reasons to be very angry--living with your parents, having been brought up by your parents, watching them abuse your daughter, just to name a few.

As far as the drink vs. the cut, I'd go for the drink. And you really need to tell your pdoc about all the rage you feel. Was there a switch in pills that eased the depression but lit a fire under the rage? It sounds like they don't have you on a good combo right now, and not sleeping, too.

And leave the knives in the kitchen and out of your room. Don't be "helpful" and sharpen them. (I deliberately have dull knives just for that reason.) I'm glad you have a pdoc. I've only got a nurse practitioner who is so new she squeeks. She doesn't know how to conduct a med session. But nevermind.

This is about you, and you're doing well, Sid. I know you feel angry, but try to use it in a positive way. Have you ever (don't laugh) thought of writing poetry about your anger? I bet it would be powerful.

Hang in there, kid. Be nice to yourself. Do something very nice like take a bubble bath by candlelight with nice music. Take good care of you.

9:09 PM, April 08, 2005  

Post a Comment

<< Home