Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Slow motion

Ever feel like your life is running in slow motion while the rest of the world around you is moving at its regular, dizzying pace? That's how I've felt since I got back home on Sunday. I feel like I've fallen behind everyone else and don't have the strength to catch up. Or maybe it's that I don't have the desire to catch up. Can't decide which one it is, maybe a combination of both.

I just don't want to move, don't want to get out of bed, don't want to accept that this is my reality, don't want... Aww hell, I could list don't wants all day, but it won't change anything. Won't change how emotionally drained and void I'm feeling. Think this is the downside of vacations. I push myself to be upbeat and do things every day, pretend that I'm Aok like everyone else, that when I return home I'm just this mass of nothingness. But yet I still have to put on an act. I still need to find the energy somewhere to fake it so no one knows how badly I'm still suffering inside.

People tell me I shouldn't hide my feelings. But yet when I reveal how truly miserable I am, I'm told to cheer up, as if they can't handle my real feelings. So I fake it to save myself the agony of hearing that awful phrase "cheer up". To save everyone the agony of dealing with and acknowledging that I'm just a miserable wretch of a person. Guess maybe the lessons I was taught about emotions as a child were true. You're not allowed to be angry, sad, depressed, disappointed, happy, content. Not allowed to feel, you're only allowed to be. And you're only allowed to be as long as you're not in anyone else's way. I'd rather not be.

I was supposed to have a therapy apptmt yesterday. Got a call at around 9 am saying that there was a "family emergency" and Ms. N had to go out of town. Supposedly she'll call when she gets back to schedule a new apptmt. I already know she will be gone awhile. I can feel it. Just as I knew that other therapist would not be returning from her surgery despite her reassurances that she wasn't abandoning me. This is how it goes for me.

I've been told that it isn't just me, that these things happen. But it is me, I have no doubts whatsoever it is. It's not as if I deliberately bring this stuff upon myself. These are all incidents that are not within my control, but yet they always happen to people that get involved with me. As if I'm this scourge that has a negative effect on those around me, especially those trying to help me. Run for your lives...Sid's here.


Blogger borderline savvy said...

Boy, Sid, I can really relate about how when you're growing up you aren't allowed to feel any real feelings. I was allowed to pretend I was happy, just as long as I wasn't really happy. Real happiness was out. So was anger, sadness, depression, etc. I could only put on a fake "everything's fine" attitude, or I'd get into big trouble. Big trouble. And I can relate to not wanting to say how you really feel because if you do, they'll either run away or tell me to "go take a walk" or "cheer up." I can also relate to that feeling of void after a trip. I felt that after I returned from Calif. over Christmas to see my son. I was really feeling a loss, but put on the cheerful everything's fine attitude.

Usually, for me, though, that void feeling goes away after a few days when I get reaccustomed to my routine. Maybe that will happen to you.

I'm really proud of you for taking the trip! You don't have to hide your feelings on your blog. Let it all hang out, as they used to say. We're here to listen.

5:09 PM, April 05, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I also really understand the need to hide feelings. People say "how are you doing" or "did you have a good weekend" or whatever, but on the few occasions I've actually told them the truth, they get uncomfortable, as if I had sprouted a third nose or something. Many people seem to "need" everyone around them to be happy, or else they can't relate to you. Humbug. Happy people suck.

I'll wish the best for you, but I'll still accept you as you are.

6:49 PM, April 07, 2005  

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