Wednesday, March 23, 2005

OCD is a crazy way to be

I spent most of yesterday morning and afternoon sleeping. My hope was that I could sleep enough to be able to stay awake and not need any sleep today. I won't be taking my Seroquel so I'm guaranteeing myself a sleepless night. I do have a goal in sight. I'm not just doing this to torture myself, though that is always a welcomed benefit.

I've just been so tired lately and as a result haven't been able to get much of anything done. The neurotic OCD side of me is now kicking in, saying that I'm leaving for vacation soon and the house needs to be spotless before I go. There are also plenty of other things I desperately need to do that I've been putting off. Car needs cleaning and an oil change, need to take a comforter over to the laundromat, the papers on the desk need to be rummaged thru.

The lack of energy is very troublesome to me. I always feel like a stupid lazy fuck when I don't do anything. Problem is, that I can't just do one thing and feel like I've accomplished something. I have to do everything on my list or I feel like a failure. That damned OCD side of me takes over and there are certain rules that need to be followed in a certain order. Can't skip a rule or I have to start over because then I can't remember if I've done the ones that preceded it. Each rule needs to produce a perfect result at the end or it isn't completed and I can't move on to the next one til perfection is reached.

I hate having to do things in order all the time but it's the only way I can remember to do everything I want and/or need to. I'll sometimes fuck with myself and deliberately do something out of order just to see how I'll respond. Just another form of self abuse because I know how I'll react. I get completely discombobulated. I have a specific order for certain things like showering, getting dressed, putting on make-up, cleaning my desk, doing laundry. Things I've been doing for so long that you'd think it wouldn't matter how I did them as long as I did them. Nope, each task has steps and if I skip a step, I become completely anxiety ridden and have to go back to the start.

Sometimes I have different orders for one task depending on what the circumstance I'm doing it in is such as with getting dressed. There is the fresh out of the shower just going to bum around the house order, the not taking a shower but wanna get out of my jammies order, the fresh out of the shower but going out someplace right away order, the bumming around the house now I've got to go out order. It's sheer madness!! Gawd my mind is one fucking screwy place to be.


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