Monday, March 21, 2005


That show Intervention did include someone that was a cutter. I thought it was odd that the subject of the show was "Addictions". But I suppose cutting can be an addiction in light of the fact that it is used to manage emotions, just like drug or alcohol addiction. The other story included in the show was a woman that was addicted to Vicodin.

The cutter on the show, Tamela, definitely displayed many of the symptoms of borderline, but they didn't mention the possibility that she had the diagnosis. They just focused on the cutting. It was a hard show to watch, I was in tears through the whole thing. I saw myself as I was in my late teens, early twenties...the little punk rock girl wearing the revealing clothes. The trying to be quiet while I cried and cut so no one would know something was wrong. The screaming into the pillow to vent some of the rage. The moving around trying to get away from my problems not realizing I was the problem. The constantly flirting with guys. The drinking.

The big difference between my situation and hers is that her family was well aware of her cutting. Her parents knew about the sexual abuse. But I was appalled that they basically had done nothing about it. Didn't try to get her any serious help until she'd already suffered for so long. Appalled that they were so stupid that they let their religion get in the way of truly helping their child whom they seemed to genuinely love and were very concerned about.

The intervention was to send her to Chicago to S.A.F.E. Alternatives. I think I've looked into that program, but it seemed to focus solely on helping people stop cutting. For me, I think cutting is the least of my problems and I don't think it's that serious of a problem for me at the moment.

I wanted to call everyone I knew and tell them to watch it. Wanted to tell my parents to turn it on. Tell them it was a glimpse into how I was and still am. They could see my behaviours in someone else because I'm too afraid to reveal myself doing those things. But I couldn't say anything, I don't think anyone really gives a shit. They see me pretending once again that everything is ok so they assume I'm getting better. They don't see me late at night when I'm alone in my room crying and cutting the hell out of myself trying to ease the emotional pain that has plagued me since I was a child.

There is no intervention for me unless I intervene on my own behalf. The siblings "let's save Sid" crusade only lasted for about a week and they didn't really do anything in that time except make a bunch of empty promises. After that, they went on with their own lives. How do you intervene on your own behalf when you view yourself as the enemy? A worthless fuck that doesn't deserve to take another breath let alone use up the precious few mental health resources available that someone truly deserving would benefit more from.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

My parents were in complete denial.When kindergarden teacher told them I was masturbating in class they refused to believe it.And when I was rocking bach and forth in my bed,they just thought I was wierd.I was very odd and very qiet,had few friends,my grades were terrible,had meany nightmares.I was not a normal kid and what did they do,they just said to stop being so wierd,straighten up and act like normal kids.Of course,its so simple,why didnt I think of that,geez!!!!

1:26 AM, March 21, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

one issue i can't seem to reconcile with cutters is that they all know it's wrong, they all know it hurts, they all want to share and tell everyone that they are cutters...but they won't stop fucking doing it. maybe a slap would help. i just don't get how they can be so aware, but seem only to be waiting for the whole world to tell them how great they are and how much they're loved. it's totally manipulative behavior. watching that young woman tamela hang on the street corner begging for attention from guys was painful to watch. jesus-get over it.

9:38 PM, September 24, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As the mother of a child who is a cutter, I have to say that while she tried keeping it hidden, it did not work for very long. Please, sit down with your parents and talk to them openly about it. Stopping the cutting is what should come before anything else. S.A.F.E. does not just concentrate on the cutting itself. It also concentrates on helping each person find other ways to express what they are feeling instead of punishing themselves by cutting. They also do counseling and therapy to help people get through what started them on cutting. To keep things hidden and bottled up is really not healthy. Please, get help now.

3:49 AM, March 07, 2007  

Post a Comment

<< Home