Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Saw the ex tonight

Went to the kiddie's orchestra concert tonight. Her father came, though because of his job he didn't show up until the last song. He's known about the concert for at least a month. You'd think he'd have told his bosses to schedule him a short day today. Guess that either wasn't possible or it never occurred to him to ask.

He and I had a good talk after the concert was over while we were waiting for the kiddie to get her stuff together. First time we've actually talked in awhile. It's so hard to be around him because I never know how I'm going to respond. It always seems to come back to something I'd read & posted about last year on this blog...about how borderlines lack object constancy and we base our interactions with people primarily on how our last interaction went. If it was negative, our defenses will be on alert and we will initially respond to the person in a negative way. If it was positive, we will be happy to see them.

Our last contact was a phone call which went well, so I was happy to see him. Wasn't upset that he showed up so late. That's why our conversation went well. The problem I have with things going well between us is that I then long to be with him again. My heart aches for him to say he loves me and for him to hold tightly and not let go. Which in turn brings to the surface all the emotional wounds regarding the ending of our marriage that haven't healed. I've been trying not to think about it, but it's the only thought my mind is willing to focus on. Love sucks ass!


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Is it true about the saying - It is better to have love and lost than never to have loved at all?

I don't know. I wouldn't know becuase I don't think I've ever loved before.

But it'd be interesting to hear what people who have loved and lost to say.

12:55 PM, March 17, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I personally would rather never have loved at all. I've had far too many losses to deal with and adding love to the mix just screws everything up even worse.

1:50 AM, March 19, 2005  

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