Thursday, March 10, 2005

Pulled out the paper journal

I've started writing in my paper journal again. Think I'm going to write there more than I write here for a couple of reasons. 1) Because I know that a lot of the posts I've made on this blog have been very negative and I know that can be triggering for others that may read it. Think it's just time to keep those thoughts to myself again and 2) Because I feel like there's something missing from the posts here. It's hard to explain, but I don't feel as connected to myself as I do when I write in my journal. I guess that's because when I write here I usually don't have time to be sitting for a long time exploring what's going on in my head. I just think of something and go with it. With my journal, I can sit there watching tv and stuff, then when something hits, I can sit there and really think about what my mind is telling me.

There are advantages and disadvantages to both the blog and the journal, which is why I'll continue to do both. Just think I'll keep the more personal stuff to the journal. I don't know. I'm sure I'll change my mind again.

The kiddie stayed home from school yesterday. She said she was nauseous and I was too tired to care if she stayed home. She was fine by the afternoon though she was still having some digestive problems. She'll be off to school later this morning though. Fuck if I'm letting her stay home two days in a row unless she's super sick.

I've been soooooooooo tired lately. I would literally sleep about 15 hours a day if I could get away with it. Haven't been having the trouble falling asleep I was, well except for last night. I upped my dose of Seroquel to 100 mg and always make sure I take it half an hour before I want to go to sleep. I think I'm going to constantly have a battle with this Seroquel. My body gets used to it so quickly that I have to keep upping the dose to get the same relief. I topped out at 300 mg before I went off all my meds in November and I'm sure I'll be back up to that level again fairly soon, if I want to continue getting any real sleep.

I left a message for the mental health center and the intake coordinator called me back. She said they did receive my paperwork and would call to arrange something in a week to 10 days. Hmmm...I love the crap these people feed you. When I originally spoke with her, she said it would be a week to 10 days from our first call because that's when I was added into their system. Now it's a week to 10 days from the date they received my paperwork. I may be mentally ill (that's still debatable in my head) but I'm not retarded...I know what she told me. Why do all these places insist on lying to me??

Think I'll add a new rant to my I hate blog tomorrow. I hate to be lied to, more than anything else in the entire world. You can insult me, hit me, steal from me, cheat on me, anything...but just don't fucking lie to me. And what's weird is that I have a sixth sense when it comes to lying. I always know when someone close to me is lying. My daughter NEVER gets away with lying, I always know when she isn't telling the truth. The hubby never got away with it either. Exboyfriends, family, other friends...I just always know. And it's not just a paranoia that I think they're lying. I truly know when they tell big lies, I even know when they tell little white lies.

I can forgive lots of things, but I can't forgive lying to me. The sad thing is that everyone close to me is fully aware of that yet they still try to lie at times rather than just own up to whatever it is and be honest. If you tell me the truth I may be disappointed or upset, but I'm willing to work through that. If you lie to me, forget've broken my trust and it may be next to impossible to repair it, though for most people it will never be repaired and I cut them out of my life.

Btw...I'm the world's biggest hypocrite, cuz my whole life has been a lie...go figure.


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