Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Lazy day

Spent most of the day laying on the couch half watching tv, half sleeping. Just have this awfully tired, exhausted feel. Not sure if it's a depressed kind of tired though but I don't think it is. Feels more like just an overall mental exhaustion. Wanna curl up and sleep for the next month or two. Hibernation would be ideal at this point.

The kiddie got bit this morning by her bunny while trying to feed him. Now she's afraid to go near him. I made some joke about the attack of the killer rabbit in hopes of calming her down, but she didn't laugh. He did take a decent sized chunk out of her skin which she tried to play up as if she was mortally wounded...an act she apparently picked up from her father. Gave her some extra love & care at first cuz I hate to see my baby in pain, but once she started trying to milk it, I told her she wasn't even bleeding and she'd survive. Guess I'll be feeding the lil monster for awhile until I can convince the kiddie it's safe to put her hand back in his cage.

I have to admit though, I still love when she tries to climb into my lap so I can hold her. Just wish she were still the little girl she once was because at about 5'5" & 120 lbs, she doesn't exactly fit on my lap anymore and I can't hold her for long without my legs going numb. She's taken to snuggling up next to me, but it's just not the same, think we both feel that way. My lap has always been her favorite place to sit. I used to jokingly look around the room everytime she'd sit on me & ask if there wasn't someplace more comfortable for her to sit. The answer was always no of course, followed by a big hug, so I really didn't mind.

I almost broke into tears while we were out wandering the city. At one point she said she'd love to live in the city, but when I asked when she'd have a time to do that, she just looked at me and said "Guess I just have too many plans for my life huh?" Had to fight back the tears on that one. While I'm so proud of her for knowing what she wants to do with her life and have no doubts she'll be able to do anything she wants, it just brings to mind how wasted my own life has been. I've never had any real dreams of wanting to become anything. We'd have those career days at school where you had to write about what you'd like to be when you grow up and I'd just make stuff up so as not to get in trouble for failing to do the assignment.

I read all these things about how horrible borderline mothers are and wonder why I'm not like that with my daughter. Does that mean I'm not really borderline? I fit all nine criteria in the DSM-IV but yet somehow I was able to excel in this one area. Even at my worst so far, I've still tried my hardest to be the best mom I could for my baby. Why have I been able to seemingly transcend my illnesses, specifically the borderline, and be good at one of the things in life I used to swear I'd never be...a mom. But yet I suck at everything else? It's really freaky.


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