Saturday, February 05, 2005

Pushing my buttons

I'm angry and upset today. The stupid fuckhead ex really knows what buttons to push to ruin the weekend for me. He knows I'm the queen of guilt and he tried to lay a guilt trip on me tonite. Didn't work though, all it did was make me pissed off, which isn't any better than the guilt. So instead of possibly getting out of the house tonite, I'm sitting inside drinking myself into a stupor because I can't deal with anything else right now.

He came to pick up the kiddie today and once she gets in the car he tells me he isn't going to make it. I'm assuming he meant he's thinking about killing himself again, but I refused to listen to it. Simply told him he didn't have a choice because of his daughter. So then he changes his tune and instead tells me that he's considering finding a job on some off-shore rig where he can be away from everyone else and he'll just send me money for child support. Said there's no point in him sticking around here when everyone else is moving on with their lives and we don't need him. Said his daughter is doing better now than she ever was when he was around all the time and that she doesn't need him anymore except for the money. I didn't want to hear any of it, so I told him he needed to just let it go for the weekend and just enjoy his time with his daughter and I walked back in the house.

I think he was trying to lay the guilt trip on me because I'd sent him an email a few days ago telling him I've added "call lawyer" to my to do list for the next week or two. He hasn't done it, so I'm left with no choice but to do it myself. Does he think that's "moving on with my life"? I wasn't the one that gave up on our marriage to begin with. But I certainly can't sit here and hope that someday things'll work out between us. He lied to me...the biggest betrayal in the world in my eyes. Even if I thought there was a glimmer of hope we could work things out, I would never be able to trust him again. There would always be that lingering doubt as to whether or not he's telling the truth about anything. Besides, he apparently moved on the minute he decided to hook up with someone else...why can't I try and move on now?

Does he think filing for divorce is going to be easy for me? I never wanted my marriage to end. I know that once I file, things are going to get really bad for me. I'll finally have to confront all these emotions that I've been bottling up inside. All the hurt, the rejection, all the questions why that will never be answered and I know I'm not ready to handle any of it.

It all comes back to a central thought I've always had. It's ok for me to do everything for everyone else...hell, that's what is expected of me. But the minute I try and do something for myself, I'm evil and mean and uncaring. As if my only purpose on this earth is to be a slave to everyone else and their wants, and I just need to fucking suffer. If it truly is my purpose, no wonder I fucking want to kill myself so damn badly.


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