Thursday, January 27, 2005

Emotionally dead

Emotionally dead, void inside...that's how I've felt the last few days. No painful ache, no sadness, no anger, nothing. Just waiting for the physical part of me to catch up with the emotional side. This isn't how life is supposed to be. This isn't living, I'm one of the walking dead.

I feel more disconnected from the world now than I ever have before. I can tell that whatever life I may have had inside me at one time has been completely drained, there's nothing left. I can feel the emptiness in my interactions with my daughter. There's something missing, everything's missing. I can't pretend anymore. I have yet to ask her if she's noticed a difference, but I'm sure she has, kids are exceptionally aware when something isn't right even if they can't identify what it is. I bet if I did ask her, she would probably say she feels as if I'm dead inside.

How do you bring someone back when they are emotionally dead? A defibrillator would not shock my heart into feeling again. Medications aren't going to bring back a flood of tears, or jealousy, or guilt, or happiness, or any other emotion. Therapy won't be able to help me find something that isn't there anymore. Can the shell of a person ever be filled again?

A song for the soundtrack of my life:

Wounded by Good Charlotte

Lost and broken
Hopeless and lonely
Smiling on the outside
But hurt beneath my skin
My eyes are fading
My soul is bleeding
I’ll try to make it seem okay
But my faith is wearing thin

So help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open, and I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me sew them up

I only wanted a magazine
I only wanted a movie screen
I only wanted the life I'd read about and dreamed
And now my mind is an open book
And now my heart is an open wound
And now my life is an open soul for all to see

But help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open, and I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me

So you come along, I push you away
Then kick and scream for you to stay
Cuz I need someone to help me
Oh I need someone to help me
To help me heal these wounds
They've been open for way too long
Help me fill this soul
Even though this is not your fault
That I'm open, and I'm bleeding
All over your brand new rug
And I need someone to help me sew them
I need someone to help me fill them
I need someone to help me close them up


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now check out Good Charlotte's "Hold On" (or is it "Hang On"...shit, I dunno.) Anyway, it's good. A good contradiction to "Wounded".
Take care for aren't dead yet.

2:40 PM, January 27, 2005  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

I like that song too, but have a problem with some of the lyrics because I just don't believe them to be true, at least not for me. Lyrics like:

"We all have the same things to go through" - which soooo isn't true. Most people will never know what it is like to be mentally ill and especially the suffering caused by BPD.

"It gets better than you know" - been suffering for 24 yrs, if not longer & it hasn't gotten only continues to get progressively worse.

I will admit though, it was this song that got me to check myself into the hospital the last time. While I was sitting in my car slicing the crap out of my arms, this song came on & it brought my daughter to mind. Couldn't continue with my plan after that & drove myself to the hospital instead.

5:51 PM, January 27, 2005  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Emotionally dead,yes I remember that feeling very well,no feeling for anyone or anything,not even my family or my friends from school.I felt nothing for any of them,didnt even care whether they lived or died,just smiling and sweet on the outside and distant on the inside.I thought I was born without a soul and I prayed for God to give me a heart because I thought mine was dead.Well it happened,I dont know how,I dont know why but within the past couple of years Ive started feeling compassion for others,seeing people as human beings and not just objects and it seems to have taken a lot of the anger out except when I fly into a rage but at least Im not constantly angry and bitter just crazy and depressed now.My mother has been praying a lot for me,maybe thats why I dont know,sometimes I hated God or even questioned his existence but now I sometimes wonder if he may be the only reason Im even alive today or not completly insane,but just in case I still kind of hope she keeps praying for me.What we all need is fullfillment,deep lasting fullfillment not just temporary feelings that just come and go.When I was reading about BPD it sounded like they were describing borderlines as if they were barely even human barely being capable of love or being able to hold on to it.That didnt sound anything like you,you dont sound cold like that to me,especially with your daughter.They described borderlines as being completly selfcentered,but a lot of time you talk more about your daughter than yourself,I know you love her more than you love yourself.I dont really think hardly any of the people on this on this blog sight sound as bad as they describe.I know you seem like a pretty nice person to me when your not so pissed off,but arent we all,at least I know Im a much better person when Im not angry.You do have some of the symptoms but certainly not all of them.Some of the symptoms describe me perfectly but I also have symptoms of schizophrenia,Oh God,I hope Im not a borderline schizophrenic,geez,just one of those is more than enough for God sakes!!But anyway you asked if the shell of a person can ever be feeled,and I do believe theres a way,I know it doesnt feel possible but I know there has to be,if other people can have it why cant we.Just ask my mother,shes described seeing miracles you wouldnt believe,maybe we can get a miracle too.T.M

12:06 AM, January 28, 2005  
Blogger Liam said...

I Know This Is An Old Thred But Being Emotionaly Dead Is The Best Thing That Has Ever Happend To Me, No Pain,Sadness or Happyness

Its Gotten Rid Of Some Of The Human Weakneses You Crave, Embrase It, It's
A Gift, Being Free Of Weakness I've Never Felt So Powerful In My Life, I Pitty Those Who Can Feel

6:27 PM, March 05, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know what your saying. i don't expect things to get better. i just smoke weed everyday, seems to help

12:47 PM, October 31, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Emotionally dead, yes I can compare. When you've had such a high, or more commonly low of emotions burst through you that your emotions are so exhausted, they go into hibernation for a while.

Just hang in there, watch a sad movie and be moved to tears, or read a new joke book and laugh your heart out, or go somewhere of meaning, be it a place from your childhood or your best friends grave. Just go, close your eyes, and remember.

Go somewhere you've never been but always wanted to go. Go out to the country and look at the stars. Or go to the beach and stand in the surf.

Do you have a religion? Pray about it. Go talk to someone. I often find talking to my youth pastor helps.

You're not dead yet.
God Bless.

12:05 PM, November 11, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can relate to being dead on the inside i know what its like but you know just appriciate the brief little moments you feel alive when they come along and appriciate what your blessed with when you reconise them. it's all a train of thought if you acknowlage the emptyness then it continues to exist while the livliness will burn out, put that practise into reverse.

6:10 AM, December 21, 2008  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I didn't know I was emotionally dead until I watched Madeline. Yes Madeline, that 10 year orphan who fought for a place to stay and something to love. I asked myself, what would I fight for - who would I fight for and I couldn't think of anything or anyone, not even my children. One of my daughters said that I was not a good grandmother and that she never wanted to speak to me again. I granted her wish. I didn't even try to persuade her otherwise. I have a beautiful home, it is everything I dreamed of, and yet I have now been made redundant and rather than fight to keep it, I have put it on the market to sell it. Men in my life, they slip up, I end it. I have never been in a relationship where I have fought for someone, and I realised in that moment, when I saw Madeline fight for someone to love and somewhere to live, that I was emotionally dead. Abandonmment as a child killed it; being sexually molested by a stepfater at 11 killed it; being forced to french kiss by a lodger and being raped by a disabled man on the street at 14 killed it; being ganged raped at 16 killed it; being physically abused by my first husband at 17 killed it; being abandoned at 21 killed it; being beaten by my second husband killed it; infidelity; betrayal; mistrust; a negative, emotional, psychological and physical abuse killed any feeling I had. An unforgiving and resentful mother killed my love; growing up without my biological father killed - so no matter who I met and regardless of who loved me - all they got was an empty shell. On reflection, they must have felt helpless, while I felt victorious that I had escaped from pain, actual or imagined. That was until now.. until I discovered accepted what prevented me from caring; what has prevented me from developing a passion for anything; and why I have been unable to feel something strong enough for something or someone to want to fight for it.

I don't want to continue this way anymore. I am 56, 57 this year and I want the opportunity to love; to care and to have some passion about something or someone so that I can feel that special feeling in my bones and in my soul. God will take me there there.. He will help me to love, to have passion, to feel love and be loved again, I know it.

7:55 AM, May 04, 2009  
Blogger danielmaddox said...

Dead inside? consider this your opportunity to realize every dream you have ever wished. nothing to live for, nothing to lose. Who is gonna stop you, and what are they gonna do, give you less to live for. Well there is nothing there. So create everything. And fuck anyone who stands in your way. Make destroying them your reason to live. you are in the brink of real existence. your far away emotional estrangement will spark the flame of a bad-ass string of actions that will electricute you into a ridiculously tangible life. it happened to me. you just need the balls to do it.

10:54 PM, July 16, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Opulently I assent to but I about the collection should prepare more info then it has.

11:17 AM, December 27, 2009  
Blogger WinnieBell said...

Hello Liam, I found your comment highly interesting and I know it's been quite some years since u posted this, I was wondering do you still feel this way? If not, what has changed?
If you feel the same way, what is your viewpoint on relationships? Is there even a possible way to be emotionally dead, numb or cold-hearted, but conserve the emotion of happiness just to enjoy the realationship & time spent with that person?
Would really love to hear your viewpoint,
P.s. If anyone else sees this and would like to add, ask or comment their viewpoint, feel free... No criticizing please..

1:57 PM, July 13, 2012  

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