The battle rages
The battle continues to rage on inside my head. Confusion, contradictions and loss of reality have gained the upper hand again. To know that my thoughts are delusional and wrong, but yet not really know at the same time, how is that possible? Logic combined with the black & white thinking of my BPD of course tell me that it isn't possible. It needs to be either or, can't be both.
It's times like these that I don't dare trust my own judgement. I sit locked inside my own head, a spectator to the battle, hoping the fighting dies down soon. Hoping I don't say or do anything that will be harmful to myself or anyone around me, though I usually do.
I should make a phone call tomorrow though, because I don't care what I say to these people. I got a bill from the ambulance company for my last hospitalization. I need to go off on the bastards because not only did they send it to the wrong address, they have the wrong insurance listed. I understand that mistakes happen, and typically I would let it go, but there are mitigating circumstances that won't let me this time. The fucker in the ambulance, who was supposedly filling all this information out, spent the 12 mile ride trying to convince me that people who believe in god have no mental problems and that I needed to believe if I ever wanted to feel better. Think that fucker needed to be locked up just as much as me, cuz he's fucking delusional.
25 days til D-day
2 Comments:
To know that my thoughts are delusional and wrong, but yet not really know at the same time, how is that possible? Logic combined with the black & white thinking of my BP of course tell me that it isn't possible. It needs to be either or, can't be both.
OMG Sid! I tell my husband that all the time!!! Is that not the mose irritating thing about this stupid fucking illness? Drives me nuts. Like, how can I totally know what things I do that are my BPD, but not be able to stop them? Frustrating.
Hope you are ok today. I'm not.
Shannin
Thats just not true,theres many believers who suffer from mental illnesses,their healed all the time.My dad suffers from depression and alcoholism and hes a christian who goes to church,well he was but he hasnt been going for awhile and its starting to show too.Hes already started drinking again and he hasnt been very nice either.I believe in God and I certainly have mental problems but Im just not a very good christain,never have been but Im trying as hard as I can and Im praying for people I care about.Ive been working very hard to not lose my temper but its not easy,if some little something happens like the remote control not working or something I can become hysterical,its not a pretty sight believe me.Im having trouble with my drinking too,thats going to be a tough battle but I dont have any plans to quit that any time soon.I just have to drink especially when I have to go somewhere like the other day when I went to my therapist and Oh my god I think he was drinking or on something,he was so strange acting,it was like he was heavily sedated and he looked at me with this spaced out look and said "man thats really strange,you,ve really had some strange things happening,this has been going on for several years,man thats really strange,I just dont know what to tell you".Thats what he said to me,just like that.What am I going to do,this is the person whos supposed to help me.Thank goodness Im feeling a little better now otherwise I would probably be very depressed right now.Things have been pretty bad for the last couple of weeks and I was hoping to have someone to talk too and get it all out but I dont even think he new I was there.You were right about therapy,it doesnt look like its going to help me much.This is so dissapointing,what am I going to do now,pray for a miracle I guess.I wish I had a friend like you who lived here,someone I could talk too and spend time with,not some air head like my case worker or someone who gets scared if I go into a rage and makes me feel like Im a defect or something.You know what I mean,its lonely isnt it?T.M
Post a Comment
<< Home