Friday, January 07, 2005

Crappy day...with just a hint of joy

Today was one of those crappy days with just a bit of joy mixed in. I hate days like this because I wonder, if I can experience fun and joy for a little while, why can't I sustain it for any real length of time? What is the defect that keeps me miserable?

I really wanted to sleep all day, but the kiddie only had a half day of school. Supposedly for teacher meetings, but I saw several of the teachers ditching out with the kids, so I'm not sure I believe that crap. They went back to school Monday after 2 wks off and already they've had another day & a half off. Today was scheduled, but yesterday's snow day wasn't. Personally, I didn't think there was enough snow to constitute a snow day. Think they were just too lazy to clean all the buses off and since they can't only give the kids that are bussed the day off, they closed all the schools.

So today I took the kiddie out tubing at the local ski hill. They just added tubing this year, I think in hopes of generating additional income to the skiing & snowboarding. The lack of snow and warmer winter weather the past several years has really hurt them financially. I'm surprised they're even still in business. We had a fun time, even though we only stayed just over an hour. Wasn't crowded at all, so we made a lot of runs in that hour. Would have stayed longer, but neither of us has snow pants or decent gloves so we were getting cold & wet fast. I'm hoping we'll get to go back soon. Maybe ski next time even though I'm not very good at it. of the few things in life I can truly say I love.

I was dissociating a bit more than usual today, which was kind of frightening because it happened a couple of times while I was driving. Fortunately I zoned back in just in time to prevent us from crashing into other cars. It doesn't typically happen when I'm driving short distances so I have no clue what was up today. Wish I could remember what it was that had me so distracted. Probably nothing important.

I was thinking today about having the kiddie go live with her father. I feel like I'm so out of it mentally and so full of rage that it's effecting my relationship with her. Becoming the bad mother. I don't know. I feel so damn lost. One minute I think something would be a good idea and the next I'm mentally bashing myself for even thinking it. Wish someone could just tell me what to do, because I'm clueless and afraid to make any decisions for fear they will be the wrong ones.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I know just what you mean about things never staying good.Every time something starts going good for me it just immediatly falls apart and every time I start feeling better it just seems to fade away,its been that way my hole life. Im really glad you had a good time with your daughter,you seem to be feeling a little better,Ill see ya. T.M

9:54 PM, January 08, 2005  

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