Monday, January 03, 2005

Dread checking my email

I'm actually afraid to check my email today. The stupid fuckhead ex called earlier to talk to the kiddie and then wanted to talk to me for a minute about her birthday. He then asks me why the kiddie never talks to him. All she says on the phone is that everything's fine. I told him that when I picked her up from school, she was complaining about it being the worst day of the school year so far because there was a misunderstanding between her & a few of her friends. She of course didn't mention that to him, so he seemed upset. He then quickly said he had to go and hung up on me.

I'm afraid he's sent another one of his lousy emails telling me how horrible his life is and how he wants to die. I just don't fucking want to hear it. His life is horrible because of the choices HE made. Our family was torn apart because he chose to walk out on us. He's gotta learn to deal with it & move on. He also needs to learn how to communicate with his daughter, how to engage her in conversation...something you'd think he'd know how to do already considering she's been talking since she was 1. She'll gladly tell him what's going on, but he should know by now you can't just ask her general "how was your day" type questions because she gives the same kind of one worded answer I do "fine". He has to ask for specifics like "what did you do in math today" or he could have asked which of her friends rsvp'd to her party yet.

I allowed myself to cry again last night, for nearly 5 hours. Doesn't ever seem to help much. Just makes me feel weak and pathetic. Just adds to the worthlessness. Suppose it's better to let it out when I'm in control of the place and time it comes out. I hate crying in front of anyone else. Crying just makes people feel sorry for you. Then a lot of the time they try to give you attention you're not interested in receiving. They feel compelled to ask if everything is ok, when it's blatantly obvious it's not or you wouldn't be crying. Plus, you know they really don't give a shit about what's wrong anyway.

Haven't slept or ate much the last few days. No interest in doing anything associated with self care. Actually went to the store earlier with my hair all greasy & messy...something totally out of character for me. Suppose that's just a sign of the crappy place I'm at right now mentally. Why give a shit about showering when you don't give a shit about being alive.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

So not only does your daughter have one parent that wants to die but now both of her parents want to die? Do you realize what that could do to her.She already has a tendency to develop mental problems,if both of her parents kill themselves that will certainly do it.Nobody cares about her as much as you do.You love her so much you would probably die for her right,so then why not live for her? I know things are bad,you've hit that dead end and it feels like theres nowhere else to turn,it feels like hell I know and even as much as I want to die too I just feel like there must be some way out of this,there just has to be.Lets struggle just a while longer,Im praying everyday and I really think there may be some hope for us o.k? T.M

12:21 AM, January 05, 2005  

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