Monday, December 20, 2004

Continually researching

Did more research on borderline today. You'd think I'd know everything there is to know about BPD considering I frequently spend so much time reading up on it. Read most of the books out there on the subject. Almost daily I check various websites, from those dedicated strictly to borderline to those aimed at mental illness in general, to see if any new articles have been written. I even reread the old articles and books, just in case I've missed something.

I think the reason I continually research the subject is because, as someone on the BPD message board recently posted, there is a tendency for us borderlines to over analyze everything. Not really sure what it is I'm looking for with all this research. Probably answers that just aren't there. Possibly a sense of hope, a will to live. More power to manipulate those around me. Maybe all that and more.

Anyway, today's search brought me back to a website I hadn't visited in a few months, the Tara Association for Personality Disorder.

Under the section "BPD and Suicide" there was a paragraph that I think really applies to me, though I'd never looked at it this way. The whole page was very interesting, but this part really stood out to me in particular:

Sadly, some people with BPD need to be suicidal. When they feel they have no power over their life, they retain the choice of death. They may remain suicidal until they feel they can control their fate or their lives. The knowledge that they can choose to die allows them to go on living. (Yes, I did edit out the grammatical errors they have in this paragraph on their website, I can't handle mistakes like that)

All I could think was "WOW...that's ME!" The words seem so simple, yet I could never have been able to describe it like that. My life feels like it is so out of my control, that it is beyond difficult to continue waking up each day to face that misery. I don't feel I have the power to change it for the better, don't think I ever will have that power. Focusing on death relieves me of the burden of living. It offers a sense of peace to know I can die when I want. Planning for death makes life just a little easier to bear in the short term because I can see the end coming.


Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sid, I think that's true. I feel the same way. I feel like I have so little control over everything else that suicide is just one thing I can hold onto in the (delusion) that I have control over something.

1:31 PM, December 20, 2004  
Blogger Polar Bear said...

And like you too, Sid, I do a lot of online research on BPD. I don't know what I'm searching for either. Maybe in a way it is seeking for affirmation of how I feel.

1:32 PM, December 20, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG, Sid! I should just stop blogging, because yours could be mine (just substitute the Jack for some Kettle One). I am constantly (daily, really) researching. Drives my hubby nuts. I guess I am probably looking for what you and Polar Bear described...or maybe the cure that no one ever told me about. It has also become part of my identity. Ever feel a little afraid of what it would be like to be "well" and not have that to identify with? (maybe only I am that crazy!)
I am probably suicidal for that exact reason, as well. As soon as I stopped using it as a threat, but really sincerely meant it, I began to feel better. When I made a solid date and plan, my days were easier to handle because I could say to myself "Just x number of days and it will all be over." It gave me a sense of security, peace, and yes even a little control.
Thanks for sharing!

12:33 AM, December 21, 2004  
Blogger The Mass Defective said...

Yes I do feel afraid of what it would be like to be "well"...whatever that may entail. Being a whackjob is all I know how to be anymore because I've been one for 2/3rds of my life. As much as I hate it, in a very sick way, it provides at least some security, some identity.

5:47 PM, December 21, 2004  

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