Thursday, December 16, 2004

Complete waste of time

Well letting my pdoc read a bit of my blog was a complete & insulting waste of time. I had given him the Nov 23rd one where I talked about going off my meds and also the Nov. 29th one where I talked about how I couldn't give myself permission to die because I don't have plans in place for the care of my daughter once I'm gone. When he read the 23rd one, all he did was chuckle and didn't say anything...what the fuck was that all about?? When he read the 29th one, all he said was that those were some powerful words...then he handed both of the pages back to me. That's it. That's all the response I got out of the fucker.

I take that back, that's not the only response I got. He did ask how I planned to kill myself. As if I'd be stupid enough to answer that and give him a reason to have me locked up. Told him I had no actual plan, just a basic timeline of when I plan to carry this out. Told him I'm just looking to sustain life for the next month. After that, I don't give a shit what happens to me.

This is why I don't put myself on the line and open up to people because this is the same bullshit I've always gotten. Complete lack of interest and total invalidation of anything I may be feeling. As if no one gives a fuck that I'm a living, breathing, FEELING person. They just want me out of their way, and if by chance I am involved in any aspect of their lives, I'm just supposed to shut the fuck up and do whatever it is they want me to do. These are the same people that are trying to keep me from killing myself...WHY? It's incredibly apparent to me that no one except my daughter gives a flying fuck about me...why the fuck should they care if I'm dead??



Blogger Polar Bear said...

Sorry your pdoc is such an ass.

It's very disppointing when people react that way. But there are Ts out there who understand and truly want to help. Maybe you can switch pdoc?

3:31 PM, December 16, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Again, this post sounds like words from my own mouth, or journal. It is amazing, a little creepy, and very reassuring that although crazy, I am not alone....and neither are you. If suddenly one day you never posted again, I would assume you were dead....and I would be very, very sad. So, that is at least two people who give a shit...and I am certain there are many more. Pdocs suck ass...I have done the whole bring my journal in, they don't even look. Bastards!!
Take care of you, huh.

4:09 PM, December 16, 2004  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Your right,some doctors dont seem to give a shit,at least none of mine have.They always act so superior like they know everything and you know nothing,because were mentally ill and we dont know what were talking about.Every time I tell her anything its like Im telling her for the first time.She still doesnt remember my name and Ive been seeing her for a year now!She doesnt care,she just wants to get me out of there so she can get on to the next patient,she really just ends up making me feel worse. Sorry you havnt had any better luck than I have,I dont know what the hell were supposed to do.I guess we just have to give each other support,at least you know that theres 3 of us that care about you,not to mention your daughter and Im sure your parents care about you too,I hope. See ya. T.M

10:09 PM, December 16, 2004  

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