Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Lapse of sanity

So I've had a momentary lapse of sanity...or is that insanity in my case? Anyway, I decided I needed to be totally honest with my pdoc about a few things. I didn't cancel my appointment with him, though I probably should have. Instead I've printed a few pages from my blog to give him tomorrow. My thought at the moment is that he can't help me if I don't tell him what is going on. I'm sure that will change by tomorrow morning when I'm in his office, but for now, that's my plan.

Everything is too damn confusing. Even reading back through some of my blog, I can see the contradictions. One minute I'm saying I know I'm mentally ill, other times I feel as if though I haven't lost touch with reality and I'm ok. Which is it Sid? You can't fucking be sane & insane at the same damn time. It's one or the's all black or all white. There is no middle ground. You can't be mentally ill and have it only effect you at certain times. It's present all the time. It's always fucking with your mind and screwing with your judgments.

Fuck this goddamn rage too. The massive eruptions that seemed to come out of nowhere were bad. But now it's an all consuming rage. I can't get rid of it. Can't even drink it away, which is a very bad sign. Drunk + rage = someone's going to get hurt BAD. Luckily my self-loathing forces me to take most of my rage out on myself, so I'm not concerned about the safety of those around me. I'm not even concerned that I'll kill myself, I'm just afraid I'll really do some damage with my cutting.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel ya, Sid. Sorry you are in a bad place. Truth be told, you do need to tell your pdoc everything...if you really want to be helped, it's the only way. I hope you don't cut. I've never had the balls to do it, myself. Take care of yourself. No need to cause more pain. (Although, I do understand the whole "release" thing with cutting....I think I use sex in this manner.)
Where is that hate list blog of yours??
Take care,

12:28 PM, December 16, 2004  

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