Went shopping
Finally did some xmas shopping yesterday. Managed to get 3 of the nieces done. That just leaves a nephew & my kiddie to buy for. I'm just going to wait and buy presents for the other 4 kids until after the holiday, since I won't see them until the middle of January anyway.
Took the kiddie out to see Ocean's Twelve last night. Was pretty funny, but not nearly as good as Ocean's Eleven. The concept of the new movie was different though, so it's hard to compare them. The whole Julia Roberts scene was funny...now I know why in all the interviews the cast did, they refused to mention it.
The last few days have been hard. The rage has been overwhelming. The fucked up part is that I can't do anything to release it when it's happening. I can't slash the hell out of myself like I want to because someone is always around. Suppose I should take care of that now, no one's home for a change. Think I know what's driving it this time though. A combo of no sleep, pms & still being sick. Just the fucking thought of all that is making me angry.
The stupid fuckhead actually came and took the kiddie for the night. Wonder what's up. Wasn't that long ago he was making excuses for why he couldn't take her on the weekends and then suddenly he takes her. Wonder if he found this blog...lol.
I really don't fucking feel like doing this tonight. My head feels all screwy inside. Guess I'll get on with cutting & drinking.
4 Comments:
Hey Sid, Th last couple of days have been horrible.My dads friend came and brought his girlfriend to stay for two nights,shes 25 and hes 60.The hole thing
Anyway shes younger than me,I think its sick and it made me very uncomfortable,I locked myself in my room the entire time they were here,I never even came out to say hello.Ive had no food,Ive just been drinking beer and rum.I dont think anybody even cared or even noticed,I dont think anyone cares about me.I really want to die,I was going to put it off for a while but I dont think Im going to make it. We have a loaded pistel in the drawer in the bedroom,its very tempting.Why would they have a loaded gun in here when Im severly depressed and want to die,maybe they want me to kill myself.I feel so horrible,my head heavy and sqeezing tight,it hurts so bad,theres buzzing noises in my head and all kinds of strange thought running through my mind,I just want to end it so bad.Im sorry for unloading all this on to you,Im probably making you more depressed,its just that they called and rescheduled my therapy session,I cant believe it,I told them I was desperate and they put my therapy off for a month! Nobody gives a damb about me.I just needed to talk to somebody,I dont have any friends,your really the only one I talk to
Sorry the damb thing keeps cutting me off.Im sick of my parents asking me what my problem is,they say whats wrong with you,why are you acting so strange,what do they mean why do I act this way,Im mentally ill for God sakes!!! Geez,its not like I choose to be this way,I cant help that Im mentally ill.They want me to move out,move out,I cant even leave my bedroom,God!! I just need to talk to someone who can relate,you live with your parents and you know what its like to feel hopless.I feel like you would understand where Im coming from.Do you have this problem with your parents,do they want you out of the house,would you be able to live on your own and take care of yourself?I really dont think I can ,Im just to scared to be on my own right now,besides Im thinking about dying right now,why would does it matter anyway.Listen Im sorry,this is message is unbelievibly long,Im not going to bug you anymore,I just needed to get this all out,thanks for listening though. T.M
Don't apologize for getting stuff off your chest. I do understand where you're coming from. My parents have not come out and actually said they want me out of here, but I know they do. There have been subtle hints, like yesterday...I asked my mom if she had a need for any of the extra, empty boxes from finally getting my kiddie unpacked. Her reply was, just put 'em in the garage so you'll have them when you get a place of your own. My parents are both pretty much retired and want to get the hell out of here. I'm just a pain in their asses by being here. I don't know if I could make it out there on my own again. Not sure I even want to try. I know they offer assisted living around here, for those who are mentally ill...they provide help with cleaning & cooking & making sure the bills are paid on time. Don't know how to find it though, nor do I know if my daughter could still live with me either. But then again, if my plans stay on the path they are, I won't need to worry about a thing anymore in a couple of months.
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