Wednesday, December 01, 2004


I'm so fucking tired I can't stand it. Think I've gotten about 5 hours of sleep the last 3 days. Not sure why. Don't have all the noise in my head keeping me up. I've tried sleeping in bed, on the couch, in the Love Sac...can't get comfortable anywhere. Tried taking the Seroquel too, out of desperation, and nothing happened.

So I've been up since 2 am, though I'm not sure I ever really slept last night. 2 am is when I'd finally had enough tossing 'n turning and decided to just say fuck it to trying to get any real sleep. Been doing some cleaning since then and I found the good-bye letters I'd written back in March when I'd last made serious plans to kill myself. Haven't opened them though. Don't think I'm ready for the realization that nothing has changed in 8 months, even though I know nothing has. Denial...seems to be my best friend right now.

I also found a page from a book I had copied down. Tried reading the book, but my concentration was so poor I never made it past the first two pages. Kept reading those 2 pages over and over, yet still couldn't comprehend what I was reading. This is an excerpt from the book "Please Understand Me" by David Keirsey:

"If you do not want what I want, please try not to tell me that my want is wrong.

Or if my beliefs are different from yours, at least pause before you set out to correct them.

Or if my emotion seems less or more intense than yours, given the same circumstances, try not to ask me to feel other than I do.

Of if I act, or fail to act, in the manner of your design for action, please let me be.

I do not, for the moment at least, ask you to understand me. That will come only when you are willing to give up trying to change me into a copy of you.

If you will allow me any of my own wants, or emotions, or beliefs, or actions, then you open yourself to the possibility that some day these ways of mine might not seem so wrong, and might finally appear as right - for me. To put up with me is the first step to understanding me.

Not that you embrace my ways as right for you, but that you are no longer irritated or disappointed with me for my seeming waywardness. And one day, perhaps, in trying to understand me, you might come to prize my differences, and, far from seeking to change me, might preserve and even cherish those differences.

I may be your spouse, your parent, your offspring, your friend, your colleague. But whatever our relation, this I know: You and I are fundamentally different and both of us have to march to our own drummer."

Something about that really struck a cord with me. Probably because so many people in my life have tried to change me to fit into the social "norm". They've looked down on me because I'm not like them. I can't help it that I've always been unique. I have always marched to my own drummer and have never made apologies for it.

It's kind of confusing though because I do long for that personal connection with people so I don't feel so lonely and isolated, but I don't feel I should compromise who I am to get it. And yet I feel that unless I am willing to change, I will probably continue to feel so completely isolated and disconnected from everyone else.

Then there's the thought that I'm probably so different because of my mental illnesses, but yet this is all I know myself to be. This is who I grew up being, and even though I often feel I have no clue who I am, I can at least relate to the weirdness.

I don't know. I can make sense of all these thoughts in my head, but they don't seem to be coming out correctly here. Can I just hotwire my brain to my computer and have everything spill out in a way that makes sense instead of everything getting lost in translation when I'm doing it myself?


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