Monday, November 29, 2004

Came to a realization

As I sat doing my usual…spending hours playing pyramids on yahoo while letting my mind wander freely…I came to a strange realization. Everyone keeps telling me I wouldn't still be here if some part of me didn't want to stay alive, didn't want to get better and live a happy life. Think they've got it wrong though. There's nothing inside me fighting for life. Only reason I'm still here is because I can't give myself permission to die. I know that sounds odd. It's hard to explain.

I think a majority of people that kill themselves do so while they are in a state of emotional turmoil that is so blinding they can't see reality, nor think about the consequences of their actions. But I don't think everyone is blinded. I think some people, like myself, have truly thought everything through. We've weighed the evidence of life versus death. We've taken the time to plan things out. We're not making this split second rash decision to end our lives, we've considered all the options.

Think the only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I don't have everything all planned out. Can't give myself permission to die until I know that my daughter will be well taken care of. If I die now, she'd be forced to live with the stupid fuckhead, and that's not acceptable to me. Do I really want to die? Oh hell fucking yes, I'd love to kill myself right this minute. But at the same time, I can't seem to abdicate all responsibility I have towards my daughter.

I will readily admit I do look to others for the permission I can't give myself, permission to give up and die without caring what happens to the kiddie. Try to manipulate people into giving it to me without their knowing it. I've come pretty darn close a few times, but haven't been able to get anyone to say those fateful words to me: “I'm giving up on you.” That's all it will take.


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