Friday, November 26, 2004

Getting worse

Fuck am I sick. I don't think this is just the detox anymore either. I had been starting to feel better and now I'm sick as fucking hell again. Vomiting, chills, exhaustion, chest pains. Barely ate anything yesterday because I was so sick and spent most of the day in bed. Today I'm worse.

The kidlet went out with the stupid fuckhead today. I just called them a little bit ago to ask what she was wearing because I found her winter coat lying here. Fucking nice that she left without it, even nicer is the fact he didn't tell her to turn her ass around, go back inside and grab it. He asked if he should bring her back and pick it up. I couldn't believe I was being asked that. I told him I was too fucking sick to give a shit what they do. Both her and him are old enough to make choices on their own, and if she gets sick because both of them decided to make an ignorant's not my problem.

He then calls back saying she's crying because I've been being mean to her and that maybe I need to have a talk with her. Damn fucking right I have to have a talk with her. I've been too sick to do much of anything for over a week now and that includes yelling at her, so I want to know why she thinks I've been mean to her. Because I'm too sick to dote on her constantly?

It's not as if I've been completely ignoring her since I got sick. I seem to recall driving her to a friend's house on Wednesday during the snow storm so she wouldn't be stuck sitting here with me. I'm fucking mean because I took her right after school Tuesday to get the new Harry Potter dvd? Mean because I took her & a friend to the movies? Mean because we were having a good time Monday and laughing so much I could barely breathe? I'm mean because I sat here and helped her put her christmas list together even though I desperately wanted to pass out? Told him if she was so damn miserable here she should go stay with him...then she'll remember what misery is. Only person that's been mean to her or even yelled at her recently was her grandfather for being on the phone so much.

I'll readily admit I'm tired of having to constantly be in her face about everything from showering, to dressing properly, to cleaning up after herself, to doing her homework...and being sick doesn't make things easier, but I haven't been yelling at her or taking it out on her in any way. In fact I've been too sick to care whether she does any of it or not. I did make her clean yesterday morning because everyone was coming over, but I cleaned with her...didn't make her do everything herself.

I'm also pissed that the stupid fuckhead had the nerve to say anything to me and question my parenting. He doesn't even bother to have much of any contact with her, and now because I'm physically ill and haven't had any energy to do anything, I'm this horrible fucking mother? Unfuckingbelievable. Told him maybe he should talk to her and get the true story before he starts attacking me again. Think maybe she's pms'ing or something because she was being rude to one of her friends on the phone yesterday.

Love the thanks I get for being the only parent she really seems to have. Makes me feel as if I'm wasting my time staying alive to be with her because she apparently has no appreciation for my existence...another trait she seems to have picked up from her father. Unless I'm doing everything for both of them I'm suddenly this mean and horrible person. I'm staying alive for this why?????????


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