Friday, November 12, 2004

I really need to move

I really need to move the fuck out of here. The old people can't handle my daughter having friends over. The last two times she had people over my dad yelled at her. Once for making too much noise while they were having fun; and again today because she wanted to know what she could feed them for dinner.

I rarely ever brought friends over when I was a kid because my parents were so damn mean. I really don't want to put my daughter through that. She's a popular kid, she likes hanging out with her friends. Our house has always been the one that the kids congregated at. Unfortunately, we're not in our own house any more.

I wonder if I could afford to get a place for the two of us. I probably could if the asshole ex would pay me some child support. Though I'm not sure if I'm emotionally ready to set out on my own again. I worry about what would happen if I ended up back in the hospital. I worry about being able to do all the things like cooking, cleaning and getting the bills paid on time that I would need to do if we had our own place.

The whole situation has me hating myself even more again. You're a stupid, worthless fuck Sid. What the fuck is wrong with you?? Why can't you function? Why can't you clear your head? Why can't you find some level of sanity that allows you to do things you used to do? FUCK ME!!!!!

I'm so aggravated and confused. So tired of the racing thoughts. I want to break my skull open and rip out my brain. I just want it all to stop right now. I can't take this any longer.


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