Wednesday, October 27, 2004

Feeling shitty

I have felt so shitty the last 2 days. Woke up Monday in the middle of the night sick as hell. Not sure what that was from, but ever since, I can barely drag my ass out of bed. Yesterday I only got out of bed to run the kiddie to school then came back home and slept til almost 2:30. Today I wanted to stay in bed again because I still feel so sick, but I ended up doing a bunch of errands and finishing up the graveyard we made in the front yard for Halloween. I'm sooooooo ready to collapse, but my night is just beginning.

The kiddie went to see a play at school since her friend has the lead role. I gotta pick her up in an hour & a half. Plus I'm finally doing laundry and the bunny cage still needs cleaning out. Once all this crap is done, I'm passing out. I'm so drained of all energy, I'm not even sure how it is I'm still going.

I plan on staying in bed for most of tomorrow. I desperately need rest. Unfortunately I can't stay in bed all day because I have some phone calls that need to be made before 4 pm. Need to bitch out my case worker at the public aid office. They want me to refill out all the information I've already given them so the bastard can finally transfer my case to the office I'm now closer to. 1) I don't see why I have to fill all this shit out again and provide copies of soso security cards & birth certificates that they should already have in my file; and 2) I called the fuck in April, June and again in July to forward my case & he's just now getting around to it??

I really hate incompetent people. If you're going to do a job, do it right or fucking quit. I hate all this half ass shit people are giving these days. I also don't understand why supervisors and managers don't crawl up the asses of these people and tell them to get on the ball or they'll be fired. This is an employment at will state, you don't even have to have a reason for firing someone. With the rate of unemployment, I'm sure they can find someone else willing to give 100%.

Grrrrrrr...I'm tired of this all consuming rage. It never seems to let up once it takes hold. The meds don't help it go away, neither does exercise or talking about it or relaxation stuff like meditation. I don't know what else to try. Maybe I should buy a punching bag & beat the shit out of it. Maybe I should beat the shit out of my ex. Nah, as much as I hate him, I refuse to attack him.

I'm supposed to be going out with a friend on Friday. First time going out with someone other than the kiddie since last Halloween. I wanna go see that movie Saw. My kind of movie, but I'm not sure Belinda would want to go. Of course, if I'm still feeling so sick and still raging, there's no way I'm leaving the house.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im sorry you feel so bad. I feel pretty bad myself, although I have been feeling better since Ive been learning about other peoples stories. It has made me realise that Im not the only one who feels this way and it has helped to get rid of some of my anger. I feel a great deal of compassion for you and I can really relate. I know you cant control it but I hope It can make you feel better to know that someone cares. Im an adult living at home with my parents because I cant work do to my physical pain which the doctors dont believe is real, and this has made me extremly frustrated and bitter. Ive spent the last ten years of my life sitting in this house as my life has slowly wasted away and Im sick about it. I have horrible muscle spasms that have been severly debilitating. I havnt been able to do much of anything because of it. Before I just had emotional problems but now its been emotional and physical and you have no idea how hard I have been to live with. I have been so angry at everybody.Ive blamed my parents and the whole world for my problems, I thought I was the only one suffering like this. I flew into rages constantly, I thought I had that right. I have no life and Ive finally come to terms with the fact that I never will. Im 34 now,Ive never been married and Ive never had children.I wish more than anything I could at least have a child,but I cant even take care of myself let alone a child. I would like to have a home too but I cant even work,its absolutly humiliating. Im on medicare,Im on antipsycotics,two antidepressants and I have severe anxiety and mood swings and I dont know if I will ever get better but my life is pretty much ruined anyway. But I have learned to get rid of a great deal of my anger by listening to some of these stories of people who have gone through so many of the same things I have and even worse that I have realised that Im not the only person in the world who is suffering. I had no idea how many people were going through absolute hell,just like us. I hope you can get rid of some of your anger, it would help you so much. You would feel so much better and feel much happier. You will feel love and compassion for others and you wouldnt believe how great that feels. I never use to care about anyone but myself but now I feel myself caring so much about people and it makes me feel so alive even as horrible as my life is at least now I feel human and Im much nicer to people and my family,and people like me a lot more too. I hope I have made you feel a little better,I hope you can get to feeling better,at least you know someone cares and God cares about you too.

3:03 AM, October 28, 2004  

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