Wednesday, October 13, 2004

What day is it?

I'm so completely lost as to what day it is. Had to ask someone to make sure I didn't miss my p-doc appointment this week. Luckily I didn't, it's not til tomorrow.

The last few days have been rough but I've been keeping rather busy so as not to dwell on how crappy I'm feeling. It'll catch up with me sooner or later though. Been having trouble sleeping for awhile now, which for me is a very bad sign. People keep telling me if I keep a positive mental attitude, I won't be so depressed. That does work for a little while, maybe for a week or two, but then I end up crashing hard. It's almost as if it is more stressful on my mind to be anything but depressed. It gets tired of me trying to tell myself I can get through this, that I can be ok and just decides to shut down.

We had most of the family over Sunday for dad's birthday. I kept trying to reassure myself that I could handle it and I did fairly well for most of the day. Towards the end though I had to escape. The anxiety was getting too severe. All the kids yelling, all that noise in such a small space got to me. The noise was more disturbing to me than seeing the man that sexually abused me as a child. How fucked up is that?? Thankfully he didn't stay long and I was only around him for about 10 minutes.


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