Monday, September 27, 2004

Really should be in bed

I really should still be in bed. Feels like someone kicked me upside the head with a steel toed boot. Pain isn't as strong as when I get a migraine, but it's pretty darn close.

Have a therapy appointment tonight. I'm supposed to let her know if I want to see the transitional therapist while she's out on medical leave. Still haven't been able to decide what to do. I don't think it's wise of me to go 7 weeks without a therapist, but it also doesn't seem like that wise of an idea to see someone else because I know I won't open up to them much knowing I'll only be seeing them for such a short period of time. Seems like a lose lose situation to me.

I've been thinking about joining a DBT group again, this time doing the Thursday afternoon one. Suppose I should find out how big the group is before I make a decision. If there are too many people in it, I'll be more reluctant to go.

I know I really need to get some kind of set routine going with therapy. Think that would make a lot of difference for the better. If I could just find a regular therapist and/or group that I could rely on, maybe I could get into the mindset that it may help. I need order in my life and right now I have almost none. I like schedules, I like lists, I like organization. Some people thrive on chaos, I never could.

When things are chaotic for me, I basically shut down...which is where I've been for quite a while now. I don't have the ability to react to anything because there's so much around me that needs attention. Don't know where to begin so I don't ever start. It's times like these that I wish I still had my ex around.

He was the ying to my yang, as cliche as that sounds. When I was upset, he was calm & vice versa. We balanced each other out. He could handle the chaos and bring it into a more manageable state, where I would take over and completely organize it. We were a great match on a lot of levels. Can't believe it's over.


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