Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Why do I bother

So I'm extremely angry and asking myself yet again why do I even bother trying to seek help. Nothing I try ever works out. It's like trying to swim against the current, just makes you frustrated because you're not making any progress and at the same time drains you of all energy. Eventually you break down and just go with the flow. You accept that you can't continue to fight to go in a different direction.

My therapist dropped a bomb on me last night. She said that we only have two more sessions together before she is scheduled to have surgery and will be gone for at least 7 weeks. Felt like someone had slapped me across the face. She tried to assure me she wasn't abandoning me, but that thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I was stuck in the thought that every time I try to do therapy, something negative always occurs to screw it up. It can't ever just go smoothly, not even for a few weeks.

I know her having surgery is unavoidable. She's not doing it to screw me over. But at the same time, I can't help feeling angry and frustrated. Can't help thinking that by pursuing therapy I'm somehow swimming against the current. That no matter how hard I struggle to go in that direction, I'm never going to get anywhere. Every conceivable obstacle is going to be thrown in front of me in an effort to get me to just accept that I'm not fixable. That the "mass defective" is just how I am and that I need to go with the flow, even if I know it is going to lead me straight to suicide.

She said that while she's on medical leave, the center is willing to let me see the transitional therapist I'd been seeing before. That I'm one of only two of her patients they're willing to do that for because I'm considered an urgent case or something like that. For a mental health center, I don't think these people realize the importance of building a relationship with one therapist so that you trust them enough to spill everything you keep hidden.

Ironically, we were talking about trust just before she told me about the surgery. When I told her I have a very hard time trusting people, she said I would have to in order to reveal and work through all the emotions & thoughts I have inside. How am I supposed to learn to trust anyone when I never get to see them on a regular basis to build that trust????


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