Saturday, August 28, 2004

Felt sick all day

I have felt so sick all day today. Nauseous, tired, shaky...just a general blah feeling all over. Stayed in bed most of the day, didn't seem to help any though. Would have been nice if the ex had come and picked up his daughter for the weekend like he's supposed to, but he called around dinner time and said he was too tired to come get her today. I should have known that call was coming. He tells me he doesn't want to be one of these "weekend warrior" dads, yet he doesn't seem to put much of an effort into spending time with her. Always seems to have some kind of excuse why he can't come get her. He did say he'd pick her up early tomorrow and spend the day with her. Hopefully he won't be too tired again.

The depression is still crushing me within its grasp. I start crying over the littlest things and I'm not typically a cryer. Trying to keep it together though. Trying to ignore the voice inside that just keeps telling me to kill myself. Wish I could just go back to being the actress, faking so well that everything is ok even when it isn't. I can still do it but at a much lower level than before. The ex was just commenting the other day how no one could even tell there was anything wrong with me before all the hospitalizations, not even him. That I played like I had everything together so well that no one doubted it. Someone give me my Oscar dammit, I deserve it.

The folks are coming home soon. Not sure if it's tomorrow or Monday. It may help me during the day to have someone else around. Won't feel so alone even though I don't talk to my dad much. He just doesn't understand what's going on. Don't think either of my parents do despite trying to explain it to them. I don't think either of them has the capacity to be an emotional crutch, the shoulder to cry on for any of their kids. I don't think they ever got that kind of support from their own parents and that's why they have no clue how to give it to their kids. Of course I can offer that to my daughter despite not having received it, so maybe they just don't want to be that supportive. Who knows.

Guess I'll just head back to bed, hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow.


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