Thursday, August 26, 2004

Just a bunch of bullshit

I'm starting to believe that this whole "mental health" industry is just a bunch of fucking bullshit. You'd think in an area where you're dealing with people in a delicate state, there'd be more sympathy, more compassion, more understanding. All I ever get is fucking screwed, which just makes everything much worse.

I did go to DBT last night. I was so not in the mood, but I went anyway. Two of the women in the group are fucking idiots and I found out yesterday why they are so alike...they're cousins. They're both loud, obnoxious and rude. They just keep on talking, even when it isn't their turn. They kept going on and on last night about their fucked up lives and all I could think the whole time they were talking is "Have they ever once listened to what they're saying?" Their lives are fucked up because they fucked them up and they're miserable because they refuse to take responsibility for their own actions. No one forced them to drink or to stay in these abusive relationships or to screw around with the other's husband, those were all choices. They both had their kids taken away because they were lousy fucking mothers and yet they blame everyone else for it.

I wish I could look at my life and say it's screwed up because of the choices I made. I'd love to have that answer, but I don't believe that is the case. I didn't choose to be physically, verbally, mentally and sexually abused as a child. I didn't choose for my brain chemistry to apparently be so out of whack that no medications have helped. When I was functioning, I did fairly well...worked as an accountant even though I didn't have a degree, raised an amazing daughter, stayed out of trouble...made good choices. Yet I've always suffered.

I always get screwed as well, despite trying to make good choices. I made the choice to take medications in hopes of getting some relief, but nothing's worked. The lithium I've been on isn't doing any good. I feel like I'm not even taking any medications, that's how depressed I've been. I made the choice to find a therapist, and they screwed me with their whole fucked up program. I made the choice to go to the DBT group and now they tell me last night that they're cancelling the group. I try to make the right choices and I get fucked for it.

Maybe I'm just missing something...


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