Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Make it stop

Make it stop, oh fucking gawd just make it stop. I can't get the rage to let go. Cutting, screaming, pulling my hair out....nothing has helped. The blood is flowing down my arms, the tears streaming down my face. The emotional pain is so intense that I'm shaking. A sick, hell on earth feeling permeates every inch of my body.

Everything has been a mistake. I was not supposed to be born, I'm not supposed to be here. I'm so tempted to take all the pills I've been saving for a rainy day. Well over a hundred of them...various anti-depressants, anti-psychotics. Think that is the only way any of them will ever work for me. If I take them all at once and die. Won't be depressed anymore. Won't be anything anymore.

What did I ever do so horribly wrong that I should have to suffer like this? I didn't ask to be born but I've tried to be a good person and yet all I get to do is hurt. Why?? Life isn't worth living when there is this much pain involved. No one can tell me it is. The pain will never stop.


Blogger The Spooky Goddess said...

fucked up shit happens to people - that's life. It's how you choose to react to that fucked up shit that matters. You can take something good away from every bad situation. And think about your daughter - suicide is the most selfish act imaginable. If you can find joy in nothing life has to offer than at least find joy in your daughter who is 50% you. A friend of mine committed suicide a few years ago leaving behind a daughter. you can imagine that shit end of the stick that she got because he was too selfish to deal with his life.

3:22 PM, August 27, 2004  

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