Sunday, August 15, 2004

My mind is racing

My mind has been racing all over the place today. I was thinking about something earlier that I was going to write about here, but thoughts are racing by so fast I've already forgotten what it was.

The ex did show up today. He was in a much better mood too. I worried about him all night. Guess he used his time wisely and decided that killing himself really isn't an option. I think he's just very tired and has found that regret is a hard cross to carry. I think he finally realized that leaving was a big mistake. Now he feels trapped where he's at because of the financial obligation he's entered into with his "girlfriend".

Oh wait, now I remember what I wanted to write about...I was watching a movie last night, never did find out what it was, but a girl in the movie was a cutter. A friend of hers walked in on her while she was cutting, flipped out and wanted to call 911, but the girl finally persuaded her friend not to make the call. She knew that if the paramedics came they would send her to a psych hospital. Which got me thinking...why is it that we aren't allowed to do what we want to our own bodies? I mean, they are ours after all.

I fully realize that cutting isn't the most positive of coping skills and people that don't cut could never understand the need to do that to your own body, but it doesn't hurt anyone else. I remember one time the paramedics looking at me as if I were completely psychotic when they saw cuts on my arm and used those marks as a reason to have me admitted. They said I was trying to commit suicide. I'd be hard pressed to kill myself by cutting on the outside of my upper arms.

I guess I don't understand why, in certain circumstances like cutting, our bodies are not our own to do with as we see fit. We're not harming any one else. Plenty of people abuse drugs and alcohol, yet they don't get locked up against their will. Drugs and alcohol are far more damaging to a person and also put the public at risk of being harmed when someone gets behind the wheel. If I get in my car after cutting, all I'm gonna do is get blood on my clothing and possibly my seat, it in no way is going to harm me or anyone else.

I actually tried to go toe to toe with my pdoc once because I felt I was unjustly locked up. I signed a 5 day notice to be released from the hospital. He told me if I didn't rescind the notice he would have absolutely no problem taking me to court to have me deemed too mentally ill to make decisions regarding my care and he & the court would decide when, if ever, I was released. I basically felt like I had no recourse. No judge would ever take my word over the head of a psychiatric dept.

To this day, I still get pissed off whenever I think about all the rules that pertain to treating people with mental illnesses. They sit there and tell you to look at your illness as if you had diabetes or some other chronic, long term illness. Yet you get treated like a second class citizen. It's all bullshit if you ask me.


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