Sunday, August 01, 2004

Feeling crappy

I feel like crap today. I'm all shaky and anxious. There's an emptiness in my head, as if my brain is missing. Guess I should be thankful the thoughts aren't racing. But I don't like this feeling either because I have no idea what to do to alleviate it.

I passed out fairly fast last night without harming myself. Couldn't keep my eyes open any longer at around 2 am. Didn't even bother to change out of my clothes before I got into bed. Ended up sleeping about 12 hours. I don't feel rested though. Feel as if I could sleep another 12 hours and still be tired.

I managed to make it through some of the mail that's stacking up on my desk. I forced myself to do it because I can't stand to have the mess. Hadn't done my checkbook since the end of June so I got caught up on that before I start losing receipts. There still seems to be too much stuff on the desk. I can't stand clutter, it drives me nuts. I feel disorganized and closed in. If I had the energy I'd make room in the cabinets and drawers so there's little left on top of the desk.

There's something else I need to do that I'm dreading. I need to start preparing for my daughter's transition back to her father's house. She needs to start spending more time there so she can make the adjustment from being an only child to being one of six kids in the house. I don't know who that is going to be harder on, me or her. She's fairly resilient when it comes to change. When her father & I first split and I kept going into the hospital, her grades in school did suffer. She went from being an A & B student to having several D's. But the following quarter, after she had adjusted to the changes she brought her grades up to B's & C's and then up to A's the final quarter.

I think she'll adjust fairly well to her new living arrangement. She's not too fond of the kids of daddy's new girlfriend, but I think she'll get used to them. I know that Mr. B, who is 13, makes her laugh and she likes spending time with him. She also likes the oldest daughter Ms. N, but she's headed off to college this month.

Think the hardest thing for her will be starting a new school and then because they're moving she'll have to do that all over again two months later. Her dad tried talking to the school district and explaining the situation to see if she could just go to the one school in the district they'll be moving into, but he said he couldn't even buy his way in. I should have him try again. Doesn't seem fair when they've already paid the builder and it's a done deal on the house that the school won't let her go for those two months.

I don't know how I'm going to adjust to my daughter not living with me. She's been my life for 12 years and now I can't raise her any longer. Once she moves in with her dad, she will live with him for the next six years until she's done with high school. How am I going to be able to continue on when the one thing that makes me get out of bed each day is gone?

I have no doubt that I'm in for a major meltdown soon; and I think there's little I can do to prevent it. Once I begin helping her pack her things, the reality of all this is going to hit. I already feel like a failure as a mother because I know I'm not strong enough mentally any more to take care of her. The guilt I feel over that has reached epic proportions.

The only thing I ever wanted to do right was be a good mother. Be the kind of mother I always wished I had. To give her a life filled with love and understanding. To be the shoulder for her to cry on, lend her an ear when she needed someone to talk to, to do things with her when she felt just be there for her at any moment, for any reason. I don't feel like I can do those things any more if she's not with me. Sure I'll always be just a car ride or phone call away, but it's not the same. It's not enough.

The sadness I feel when I think of the whole situation is so painful. I want to cry, want to grieve, but the tears still won't come. So I try to put it out of my mind and not think of it. Stuffing it all down like I know I shouldn't be. Am I really going to be able to last until February?


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