Monday, July 26, 2004

Guess I was wrong

Guess I was wrong about only having one more session with Ms. J. I could swear last week she told me we only had one left, but today we scheduled another for next week. Maybe they don't have a permanent therapist available yet. I probably should have asked. I never think of these questions until after the fact.

Today she was hounding me about what it is I think I'm getting out of therapy. Asking why do I keep showing up when I'm not sharing very much. Wondering how I think I'll make any progress when I continue to keep my walls up. She was aggravated because I kept answering with "I don't know" to a lot of her other questions. Telling me that I should have some response, even if it seems completely off the wall and untrue. I don't understand her thinking, why would she want me to guess if I don't know? If I don't know, I don't know....if I had all the answers to her questions I wouldn't need to be in therapy now would I?

I'm trying to remember some of the things she asked me. She asked why I talk so softly. I told her I didn't think I did. When I talk, I sound loud enough to myself. People often do ask me to repeat myself, but I just figure they aren't listening. She laughed at that and said she wonders if I'm listening to her because I don't tend to make any eye contact. Of course she asked why I don't look at her and I said I don't know because I don't.

Damn, I can't think of some of the other things she asked. I have such a hard time recalling conversations lately. It's almost as if I need to take notes or bring a tape recorder in order to have evidence that I was even involved in a conversation with someone. Basically seems to go in one ear and out the other, even though I try hard to concentrate on what the other person is saying.

I remember calling the social security office today because I received a letter from them saying I had requested a phone consult regarding my daughter. In this instance, I know I never talked to them since the end of May, I'm positive of it. But I can't remember what they said on the phone other than what I wrote down about having an appointment with them in two weeks. I don't know if he told me my disability claim was being approved or not. Guess I'll find out in 2 weeks when I go in.

I was thinking today about something someone had told me a long time ago. Don't know who it was, but they said that you can judge a person's impact on the lives of those around them by the number of people that show up at their funeral. Not sure why that thought popped into my head. But I think it's a true statement. I remember when my friend John died. This guy loved life, loved people and everyone loved him. I'd find it nearly impossible to believe this guy ever had an enemy. His funeral was packed with literally hundreds of people, even overflowing onto the street outside. He touched that many lives in his short 25 years.

Outside of family, I can count the number of people that would show up at my funeral on one hand. Which reminds me of something else Ms. J asked...would I like to have any friends. My reply was no, because I tend to run everyone off sooner or later, and it's best not to get involved with others. It ends up being a double whammy...I get hurt because they leave and then hurt even more because after awhile I finally realize it was all my fault. Again, I'm just not a people person. Guess it boils down to the fact that I hate me more than anyone else ever could. I can't stand to be around me, why would anyone else.


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